Is It True That I Have to ‘Work’ Through My Grief?

The belief that grievers must “work through’ their grief in order to heal or move forward to a stage of reconciliation is extremely common, although not necessarily true. When Elizabeth Kubler Ross developed the five stages of grief in the 1960s, she did so based on the Freudian model of bereavement, which posited that successful mourning meant that one had to “detach” from the loved one who had died. This task, Freud believed, could only be accomplished by exploring one’s grief in great detail, often over the course of many years. Kubler-Ross embraced this theory, believing that to achieve the final stage of grief, acceptance, one had to “move through” each stage by outwardly expressing one’s emotions in some way. In her final book, “On Grief and Grieving, (published in 2005, one year after her death) she wrote “Telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process. You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed.” 

Today, over 50 years later, many psychologists and grief experts continue to espouse these beliefs. For example, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted psychologist who practices in the field of grief and loss, advises us that mourning openly and outwardly is the only way to effectively process a loss. In “ Mustering the Courage to Mourn” he writes:

“The pain of grief will keep trying to get your attention until you unleash your courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The alternative—denying or suppressing your pain—is in fact more painful. If you do not honor your grief by acknowledging it, it will accumulate and fester. So, you must ask yourself, “How will I host this loss? What do I intend to do with this pain? Will I befriend it, or will I make it my enemy?”

All this advice notwithstanding, a great deal of research has failed to demonstrate that any of it is true– at least not for everyone. For example, a 2007 study by Dr. George Bonanno and colleagues of Columbia University showed that people who “held in ” their negative emotions after the death of a spouse or a child were actually less depressed six months later than those who expressed their feelings outwardly. This finding also held true at 14 and 25 months after the loss occurred. According to Bonanno, this probably indicates that repressing feelings rather than expressing them has a protective effect on emotions. 

Several other studies have also suggested that “working through” grief may not be a necessary part of moving forward after a loss. For example, several studies led by Margaret Stroebe of Utrecht University showed that talking or writing about the death of a spouse did not help people adjust. Nor were women who lost their spouses who outwardly expressed their grief ultimately less depressed than those who did not. 

Bonanno’s work and that of other grief researchers have also belied the idea that grief is a long, slow process characterized by many months or even years of intense suffering. Although this is certainly true for some individuals, studies have shown that most people go through a period of brief, intense mourning followed by a series of ups and downs during which they experience both positive and negative emotions. Further, the majority of people begin to feel well enough to resume their lives relatively quickly, although periods of longing, loneliness, sadness and regret may persist for some time.

Sources

“Mustering the Courage to Mourn”. Center for Loss and Life Transition. https://www.centerforloss.com/2023/12/mustering-courage-mourn/ 

“Does repressive coping promote resilience? Affective-autonomic response discrepancy during bereavement”. National Library of Medicine. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17469956/