Should I Invite Children to the Funeral?

Inviting children to a funeral can help introduce them to the general concept of mortality, but the appropriateness of their presence can vary greatly based on the child’s maturity level, relationship to your loved one, and the circumstances surrounding the death and respective service. Being present at these ceremonies allows children to participate in the collective mourning experience and learn how to cope with grief in a suitable environment. Every child is unique, so their comprehension and sensitivity toward death should be taken into consideration before making a decision.

It is important to consider the child’s age when determining whether to invite them to a funeral. Older children may find that participating in a collective or communal expression of grief and remembering a loved one alongside other people who cared for them helps them process their emotions and accept the finality of death. The ability to experience traditions, rituals, and customs associated with a funeral service can help foster a sense of acceptance regarding the death of a loved one. However, younger children may struggle to fully comprehend the concept of death and its finality. Children aged five years or younger may have difficulty understanding death and may easily become distressed or overwhelmed by the emotions and displays of a funeral; however, the experience can also be a very positive one, so it’s important not to assume they will have a difficult time. Ask your funeral director if there is a room where children can go if they need some time away from the visitation or consider assigning a known and trusted “point person” who will not mind leaving the funeral with your child, if it becomes necessary. Let your child help select this caregiver in advance of the funeral, if appropriate.

If children are included at a memorial or funeral service, extra time and attention should be set aside to prepare them for the experience prior to the event, and they should never be forced to touch or look at anything that may make them uncomfortable. This time can be dedicated to explaining what a funeral or memorial service is, what it represents in the context of the death of their loved one, and what they can expect to see or experience while they’re at the service. It should also be a time to talk to them about their feelings so that they understand that it’s normal to feel sad, confused, curious, or even afraid. Encouraging children to share their feelings and talking with them to help explore why they feel that way can help cultivate healthy perceptions of death and reduce the early development of fear or stigma. 

It’s important to note that simply attending the funeral will help your child begin processing his or her grief. But whenever possible, consider including youth of all ages in the planning of the funeral/memorial service to help them feel connected and involved.

Let your child’s comfort level guide you when sharing ideas about how he or she can express his or her feelings, and honor your loved one in a meaningful way. Be certain that your child understands that participation is his or her decision, and that, at any point, he or she can change his or her mind about the level of involvement.

Consider asking your funeral director, clergy or celebrant for suggestions on youth involvement, or incorporate some of the following activities:

Prior to the funeral

• Draw a picture or write a letter to place in the casket or beside the urn.
• Select special photographs or items, and help arrange a picture board, video tribute or memorial table; share special stories and memories during the activity.
• Older children may want to help with arrangements, such as selecting a casket or an urn, or the readings and music for the service.

During the funeral events

Visitation

• Greet the guests, hand out memorial cards or direct people to the registration book.
• Participate in the final closing of the casket.

Ceremony

• Start the ceremony by placing a flower on the casket or in front of a memorial portrait.
• Share a poem, reading or reflection; sing a song or play an instrument.
• Serve as a pallbearer or casket escort.
• Participate in religious customs.

Post-ceremony

• Distribute flowers to family and friends gathered at the cemetery.
• Place a memento at the graveside, such as a plant or stuffed animal.
• Share special memories over your loved one’s favorite meal.

It is also acceptable to decide not to include children in the funeral service. All children will react differently to death and attending a funeral can be overwhelming and highly upsetting for some. In these instances, it may be more beneficial to have conversations about death with the child so that they’re aware of what has happened, but allow them to stay home and continue those conversations later to encourage gradual processing of their loss. Ultimately, the decision to invite a child to a funeral will vary among families and the circumstances specific to the death. But families can navigate the situation effectively by keeping children engaged regarding their emotions and preparing them for what to expect if they attend. 

Sources 

“Funerals – Should Children Attend Them?” National Memorial Planning. https://www.nationalmemorialplanning.com/articles/view/funerals-should-children-attend-them-5dfba2b2-8d04-4957-875f-6e860a1ed4de 

“Guidelines for Children Attending Funerals and Memorial Services”. VITAS. 

https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/grief-and-bereavement/children-and-grief/guidelines-for-children-attending-funerals-and-memorial-services

“Should Children Attend a Funeral or Memorial Service?” Ever Plans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/should-children-attend-a-funeral-or-memorial-service 

Youth and Funerals. Remembering A Life

https://www.rememberingalife.com/pages/youth-and-funerals