How Do Children and Adolescents Understand and Process Grief?

Children and adolescents process grief in unique ways because their understanding of death depends heavily on their emotional and cognitive development. As they mature, their comprehension and beliefs about death evolve. From ages 3 to 5, children typically have difficulty understanding that death is permanent. They may engage in magical thinking, believing that the person will return or that their own thoughts or actions somehow caused the death. This can lead to feelings of guilt or confusion. By the ages of 5 to 9, comprehension of death begins to grow, but children often still struggle to grasp that death can happen to anyone—including themselves, friends, and family. They may understand the physical finality but not the broader emotional or universal implications.

Despite their limited understanding, children may show grief through behavioral changes such as clinging, regression (including bed-wetting or wanting to sleep with a parent), loss of interest in activities, or acting younger than their age. Other potential responses include:

• Imitating the person who died
• Difficulty sleeping
• Loss of appetite
• Fear of being alone
• Withdrawing from friends
• A decline in academic performance or refusal to attend school
• Saying they want to be with the person who died
• Saying they see or talk to the person who died
• Expressing guilt or believing they caused the death
  

Adolescents process grief differently because their emotional and cognitive development is actively approaching adult levels. They generally understand that death is permanent, but may sometimes turn to imaginative thinking as a coping mechanism. They often feel intense, complex emotions after a loss but may avoid open grieving or sharing their feelings. Adolescents tend to hide vulnerability, especially if they are taking on a supportive role for a grieving friend or family member. Common grief responses in adolescents can include:

• Disbelief that the loss happened
• Emotional outbursts and/or crying
• Mood swings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Talking with the person who died in special or meaningful places
• Difficulty sleeping
• Imitating the person who died
• Repetition of stories and memories about the person who died
• Feeling intense anger and guilt
• Lashing out at others
• Loss of appetite or a sensation of feeling empty
• A sensation of tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest
  

It is natural for children and adolescents to process and understand death in their own way, so it’s important to monitor your child’s behavior and address concerns as they arise. Because young children are especially susceptible to misunderstanding, use clear, concrete language and avoid euphemisms like “passed away” or “went to sleep,” which can create confusion or fear. Encourage questions and reassure them they are not to blame. If you believe a child needs additional help coping with a loss, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in helping children and adolescents navigate difficult life experiences, including loss and grief.

Sources

“Grief and Children”. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Grief-008.aspx 

“Experiencing Grief as a Teenager”. VITAS Healthcare. https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/grief-and-bereavement/children-and-grief/experiencing-grief-as-a-teenager