How to Cope With Grief After a Loss: Step-by-Step Guide

Whether the death of a loved one followed a long illness or happened suddenly, their absence leaves a gaping hole in your life that will take time to heal. That process of healing — of adjusting to life after the loss — is the emotional roller-coaster we call grief. 

Grief is a complex journey, and everyone must make that journey in their own way. There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to grieving — no timetable and no magic formula that will take the pain away. Although grief is a universal part of the human experience, how we respond to loss and how we express our grief is personal to each of us. No one can tell you what path to take. But we can offer you some strategies that have worked for others who have been where you are now. 

Below we have put together some ideas and suggestions that take you through the grief healing process step-by-step. We hope that some of them will help to make your journey just a little bit easier. After reading this guide, we invite you to refer to our accompanying easy-to-follow checklist as you explore these ideas. 

For a more in-depth exploration of grief and mourning, visit our section on  Grief and Loss. 

Jump Ahead to

A. Strategies for Dealing with Loss and Grief
B. Grieving as a Family
C. When to Seek Professional Help
D. Additional Resources for Grieving Children

A. Strategies for Dealing with Loss and Grief

1. Accept Your Feelings
No matter what emotions you are experiencing in the wake of your loved one’s death, they are “normal” for you. Grievers often judge themselves because they aren’t responding to the loss of their loved one in the way they expected they would. Perhaps you thought you would be stoic and composed but instead find yourself crying for hours on end. Maybe you thought you would be extremely emotional but instead you feel only a great sense of relief. Maybe you’re in shock, and you feel nothing at all. 

All of these reactions are normal and may last for some time. Accept that this is your reality for now, and trust that your feelings are appropriate — whatever they may be.

2. Take Care of Yourself
It may be challenging to care for yourself properly when you are in the throes of intense grief. Grieving takes a huge toll on your body and your mind, and its effects can last for quite some time. Appetite, sleep, thinking, concentration and energy all are affected to some degree. You may feel exhausted, disconnected from reality, and unable to solve problems that would be simple at any other time. You may have no desire to eat and no energy to exercise or engage in activities you once enjoyed. You may feel fragile and vulnerable as if you are walking a tightrope, trying desperately not to fall into an abyss. All these feelings are normal and should subside with time. 

During the initial period of mourning following your loved one’s death, friends and family will likely be there with you, helping with meals, making arrangements, and generally doing what they can to support you through the most difficult time. But eventually, you will need to begin caring for yourself again. Start with these simple steps, and build on them as you can. 

• Prepare simple, healthy meals that you enjoy. Try to avoid processed foods, which often contain large amounts of sugar and or salt, which can make stress worse. 
• Eat at normal mealtimes, even if you can only take a few bites. Your appetite will improve with time.
• Exercise for at least 15 minutes during the day every day. If the weather permits, exercise outdoors — being out in nature is a wonderful way to boost your mood. 
• Practice good sleep hygiene:
  • Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day
  • Avoid caffeine after 3PM and limit your alcohol intake (Alcohol may help you fall asleep, but it disrupts late-stage sleep when it wears off.) Try an herbal tea containing chamomile, lemon balm, passionflower, valerian root and/or lavender instead. 
  • Turn off electronics, including the TV, an hour before bed. 
  • If you can’t sleep after 15 minutes, don’t toss and turn. Get up and read, meditate or write in a journal for a while, and then try again. 
  • Add a contemplative practice like yoga or meditation to your routine. Even 10 minutes a  day can make a big difference in how you feel. 
  • If your insomnia persists to the degree that you are unable to perform your daily activities (for instance, going to work) speak with your doctor about the possibility of obtaining a prescription for a sleep aid. 
• Hydrate!  Most of us don’t drink enough water even when we are at our best. Aim for at least 10-12 glasses of water per day. 
• Don’t neglect your health. Keep appointments with your medical team and take your medications as prescribed. 

Remember, too, that this is a marathon, not a sprint. You will have good days and bad days, so don’t judge yourself harshly when you don’t meet your goals.

3. Connect With Others
While some people prefer to grieve in private, being with others is often very helpful when you are grieving the death of someone you love. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings, the company of others can provide connection and support at a time when many people feel isolated and alone. Those who care about you will want to help, but may not know what to do. Try to be honest with them about what you do and don’t need. If you want someone to come by for coffee and share stories about the person who died, say so. If you just want to get out of the house and go to a movie, let someone know. If you want to plant a garden in your loved one’s memory, but need help to accomplish that, ask a friend to lend a hand. Grief is a heavy burden. Let the people who love you help you carry it as best they can. 

4. Consider a Support Group
Grief support groups are another option for connecting with others, especially for those who don’t have a strong support system or close family ties. Sharing your feelings with others who are grieving can be very beneficial, and hearing their stories may help you feel less alone in your grief. Support groups can also provide a measure of hope when you are newly bereaved as people share their stories about moving through loss. 

Be aware, however, that support groups are not for everyone, and not all groups offer the same level of support. Like any group of human beings, they can devolve into dysfunction, especially if there isn’t a strong facilitator at the helm. Support groups can also be emotionally overwhelming to people who are very empathic and sensitive to other’s pain. If you think a support group may help you, by all means, attend one or two. But if it doesn’t provide any meaningful benefit, feel free to move on to something else. 

5. Find Comfort in Ritual
Rituals are symbolic actions that connect us to something meaningful. After someone you love dies, a ritual or rituals can help you connect to that person’s memory and give meaning to your loss. For some, these rituals may be linked to religious or cultural traditions. For example, in the Jewish tradition, the family “sits shiva” for seven days, during which they engage in several rituals that include wearing mourning attire, covering the mirrors in the home, and reciting certain prayers. 

With that being said, keep in mind that rituals need not be linked to a tradition or a particular faith. In our increasingly secularized culture, many people create their own rituals to honor and remember those who have died. Perhaps you and your loved one enjoyed a glass of wine every evening while watching the sunset. Or maybe you did the NY Times crossword puzzle on Sunday mornings or took a daily walk in the park. Continuing these rituals after your loved one’s death can be a wonderful way to keep them close as you adjust to your new life. 

6. Reach Out to Clergy
If you’re a religious person, you may find yourself questioning your beliefs after a loved one dies. This is especially true when the person’s death was sudden or traumatic. Losing a loved one in a tragic accident or to suicide or homicide can cause anyone to question their faith. Losing a child, regardless of their age, can have the same effect. For many, many people, the natural inclination is to hold God responsible because there is no other explanation that makes sense. 

If you find yourself in this position, take some time to step back and reflect. Many religious people have felt exactly as you do now, but have been able to come back to their faith with time. It may help to heed to words of Rabbi Harold Kushner who wrote “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” about learning that his son had a life-limiting disease:

“…Being sick or being healthy is not a matter of what God decides that we deserve. The better question is ‘If this has happened to me, what do I do now, and who is there to help me do it?’ … it becomes much easier to take God seriously as the source of moral values if we don’t hold Him responsible for all the unfair things that happen in the world.”

You may also want to speak with your pastor, rabbi or another spiritual adviser to explore your feelings. They certainly won’t have all the answers, but they may provide some insight into how you can come to terms with your grief and your faith. 

7. Keep Your Loved One’s Cherished Belongings 
Just as continuing old rituals can help you feel close to your loved one after they are gone, keeping their favorite belongings can give you comfort, as well. While it almost certainly will not be practical to hold on to all of their things, the items that meant the most to them can help keep memories alive. Perhaps your loved one had a favorite sweater or a piece of jewelry they always wore. You may find comfort in wearing those items, or just having them nearby. Smells, in particular, can trigger very powerful emotions. Many people say the scent of their loved one on their clothing or bed linens gives them great comfort long after their death. 

When considering what to do with the items you can’t or choose not to keep, you may wish to invite friends and extended family to browse through the loved one’s belongings and choose some mementos for themselves. You can also donate unwanted items to a charity or cause that your loved one supported while they were alive. 

8. Find Creative Outlets for Your Grief
Creative expression is, for many people, an extremely effective way of managing the complex emotions associated with loss and grief. Although you may not feel up to doing so immediately, as you gain focus and energy, think about what type of artistic endeavor you might be interested in. Do you enjoy writing? You may want to start a journal or even an online blog — WordPress.com and several other platforms let you build a stunning personal website for free. Do you like to sew? Why not create a quilt or a blanket from some of your loved one’s favorite clothes? Any form of artistic expression, from poetry to painting to creating mosaics to blowing glass, can be a great distraction from the pain and longing of grief. Just search the internet for classes in the genre that makes sense to you — there are many options to choose from, from local community centers to online courses and more. And don’t worry if you have no experience with what you’d like to try. The idea isn’t to create a masterpiece; it’s to find an outlet and, in the process, begin to enjoy life again. 

9. Get Physical
Just as artistic expression is a wonderful outlet for painful emotions, physical activity can be extremely therapeutic when you are living with grief. Moderatephysical activity releases endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals that have been shown to improve mood and boost feelings of well-being. Physical activity can also improve both your appetite and the quality of your sleep, and is a great distraction from the negative thoughts that can plague those who are grieving a death. It’s hard to think about anything else when you’re sweating your way through a spin class! 

Keep in mind, too, that you don’t need to engage in a structured program to benefit from exercise. Any activity, from walking briskly to riding a bike to working in the garden, will help you feel better if you do it regularly. Start slowly and build up to about 30 minutes to an hour of activity most days of the week. It may help you to stay motivated if you invite a friend along. 

10. Find Comfort Through Reading
Known in the world of psychology as “bibliotherapy,” reading books, stories and poetry that deal with grief and loss is, for many people, an effective way to cope with grief. Whether you have lost a spouse, a child, a sibling, a friend, or a beloved pet, there are books available that were written by people who have been in the same situation that you are now. Similarly, films that deal with grief can be both cathartic and healing. Check out our Healing Library to read our book and film reviews and discover sayings and poetry that explore loss and grief.  You may also want to visit the Opening Our Hearts section in our online magazine to read true short stories about grief and loss that others have shared with us. 

11. Explore Holistic Options
Natural, non-pharmacologic therapies such as acupuncture, Reiki, chiropractic and aromatherapy can be extremely healing for the body and the mind. This is especially true when they are combined with the other suggestions mentioned above. To learn more about these and other complementary therapies, see our section on Complementary and Alternative Medicine.

12. Consider Grief Counseling
Grief is a normal reaction to loss, not a pathological process. After the death of someone you love, it is normal to experience many difficult emotions, including sadness, anger, yearning, betrayal, emptiness, guilt and regret. It is normal to hurt, physically and emotionally. And it is normal to want these feelings to go away. But the difficult truth, for most people, is that there is no antidote to the pain of grief but time. 

With that being said, there are some situations and some individuals for whom counseling is an appropriate or even necessary part of moving through grief. Some signs that this may be the case for you include:

• You are dealing with traumatic grief. 

According to Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D., traumatic grief typically occurs following a sudden death, death by suicide or homicide, or the death of a child of any age.  It may also occur when a loved one’s death follows a prolonged period of intense suffering. Deaths of this kind often lead to extreme and enduring emotional pain and more debilitating physical symptoms than other forms of loss. Many people find it impossible to process this deeply painful, protracted grief without professional help. 

• You are experiencing complicated grief. 

Following the death of a loved one, virtually everyone experiences intense, painful feelings associated with the loss. Over time, these feelings typically become less severe, and the person begins to integrate the reality of the loss into their life. Their grief doesn’t disappear, but the pain abates. 

For some people, however, this gradual process doesn’t occur. Instead, they remain “stuck” in the immensity of acute grief —  preoccupied with thoughts of the person who died and unable to experience any positive emotions, including hope. These people are often suffering from complicated grief, and will typically need therapy to move through their grief and integrate the loss into their lives. 

• You have symptoms of depression.

Grief and depression look very similar. People who are grieving are sad most of the time; experience disturbances in appetite and sleep, and have a hard time experiencing pleasure or joy. The same can be said for people who are depressed. In fact, the two conditions are so similar that it can be difficult for even a trained professional to determine if a newly bereaved person is experiencing a major depressive episode or normal grief. For that reason, many mental health professionals are reluctant to diagnose depression in someone whose loved one recently died. 

With that being said, if you are experiencing feelings that are extremely disturbing to you, you have thoughts of suicide, or your distress is so severe that it is interfering with your ability to carry out your responsibilities (e.g. caring for your family; going to work)  it’s a good idea to seek professional help. A mental health professional can help you articulate  your feelings and, if necessary, refer you to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medications that may offer some relief. 

See our section on Grief and Loss for additional resources to help you move through your grief. 

If you are in crisis and need help immediately, please call one of these agencies

SAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
National Suicide Preventiion Helpline 1-800-273-8255

B. Grieving as a Family

A loss in your immediate family can be devastating for individual family members as well as the family as a whole. Each person will go through their own grieving process at their own pace and in their own way. Family roles, both practical and emotional, will also shift in the aftermath of a loss, sometimes dramatically changing how the family functions as a whole. All of these changes can contribute to strained relationships, confusion, resentment and guilt. 

As you work towards your own personal healing, keep in mind that all members of your family are dealing with momentous changes in their lives. Recognize that life will never go back to the way it was, but you can work together towards creating a new normal that works for each of you. Here are a few suggestions that may help you accomplish that goal. 

1. Plan Time Together
After an immediate family member dies, it is not uncommon for families to drift apart. At a time when each family member is trying to come to terms with their loss, shifting roles can cause friction and discord that compounds the family’s grief: A teenager who is suddenly responsible for the care of a younger sibling may become resentful and act out. A widowed spouse may be overwhelmed with the tasks of running a household while holding down a full-time job and express their frustration in less than ideal ways. Young children may demand more attention at a time when no one has any time or energy to spare. 

In such challenging circumstances, it may seem impractical to plan a family outing or even a family meal. Yet, bringing everyone together can be very healing and pay off in unexpected ways. Start with something simple, like a shared take-out pizza on a Friday night. Then use that time together to plan something more elaborate — perhaps a trip to the beach or a local park. Even a few hours spent together in pleasant surroundings can defuse tensions and give everyone some respite from the weight of shared grief. 

2. Model Open Communication
Sometimes families have difficulty finding a way to talk about the death of someone they love. Children, especially, may be wary of upsetting the adults in their lives by being open about their own grief. Adults, meanwhile, may be trying hard to maintain a sense of normalcy at the expense of talking about how they feel. The result of these behaviors can be that everyone “walks on eggshells” and avoids acknowledging their loss. 

To help your family cope more successfully, model open communication to the extent that you can. Share a memory at the dinner table, even if it makes you cry. If a song comes on the radio that reminds you of the person who died, acknowledge that aloud. Mentioning your loved one in casual conversations helps everyone acknowledge the loss while recognizing that your loved one still has an important role in your lives.

3. Create a Memorial Together
Working together to create a memorial for the person who died is a wonderful way to bring the family together to celebrate and honor their life. Choose something that the whole family can participate in, whether it’s planting a garden, creating a memory book, or putting together a photo collage. If you have young children, you can also invite them to create something of their own, such as drawings or paintings that depict happy memories of the person they loved. 

4. Honor Family Traditions and Make Room for New Ones
After the death of a family member, you will almost certainly find meaning and comfort in honoring traditions, such as celebrating birthdays with a special meal or decorating the house with cherished mementos around the holidays. But as time goes on, it’s important to introduce new traditions as well. Maybe take the family out for Thanksgiving dinner instead of preparing the traditional family meal at home. Or go to the mountains and cut down your Christmas tree instead of buying one at the local big-box store. Big or small, simple or elaborate — making new traditions is essential to helping your family acknowledge their new normal while keeping the memory of your loved one alive.  

5. Be Open to Moments of Play, Distraction and Joy
Mourning the loss of a loved one is a long journey, and while that journey will undoubtedly include many moments of intense sadness, it’s important to leave room for moments of play and shared enjoyment as well. Young children especially can’t hold space for intense emotions for too long. As in all other aspects of their lives, they will often be terribly upset about the loss of their loved one in one moment and running off to play in the next. This is normal behavior, and allowing your child time to “be a kid,” and distract themselves with play is an important part of helping them grieve. It can also help you experience some small measure of joy at the same time. 

6. Talking to Children About Death
Dealing with the grief of the children in your family while you, too, are grieving can be very hard. As you struggle with how to deal with their pain while managing your own, It may be helpful to understand how children in different age groups understand and process death. 

• Toddlers: Toddlers have no understanding of death and don’t grieve in the way that adults do. They do, however, pick up cues from those around them, and may feel unhappy, confused and afraid because everyone else is sad and upset. Tell your toddler the truth about what has happened (”Grandma has died and we won’t be able to see her anymore.”) Then reassure them that feeling sad is normal when you lose someone you love. They may not fully grasp what you mean, but it’s important to let them know that expressing their feelings — whatever they are — is okay.

• Preschoolers: Children between the ages of 4 and  6 have little understanding of what death is. They tend to view it as temporary and reversible, and will have trouble grasping the idea that someone who has died is not coming back. At the same time, they will be aware of the loved one’s absence, and may blame themselves for making them disappear. Again, be honest with your child. Explain that death is a permanent condition, and what happened  is no one’s fault. Your child may ask questions such as, “Am I going to die?” or “Are you going to die?” Offer a reassuring but truthful answer, such as “We are all going to die, but I plan on both of us being here for a long, long, time.”  

• School age children: Children between the ages of 6 and 12 gradually develop an understanding of death. They learn through their experiences (for example, seeing a dead bird or a dead insect) that death means the absence of life. Depending on your child’s age, you may need to help them understand this by explaining that the person who died can’t eat or drink or move around anymore. Allowing them to attend the visitation or funeral will reinforce this idea while also helping them understand that death is a natural part of life.

• Teenagers: Teenagers, as a rule, fully understand the concept of death (although they tend to view themselves as immune). Teens know that death is a permanent loss, and they grieve and mourn as deeply as adults. But because teens are working towards becoming emotionally independent, they may share their feelings more freely with their peers than with you. Know that this is normal, but make sure to check in regularly so your child knows that you’re there for them. 

7. Behavioral Changes in Grieving Children
Children, like adults, will react to the loss of a loved one in a number of ways, based both upon their personality and their age. However, certain types of behavior are common in children who have experienced a significant loss, and should be viewed as a sign that they are adapting to the loss as best they can. These include: 

• Trouble sleeping or nightmares. Younger children may want to sleep with a parent or older sibling for a while. 
• Physical complaints such as headaches, stomach aches and tiredness during the day
• Regression in learning or behavior, such as bedwetting in a previously potty-trained child or “clinging” to adults by a child who was previously outgoing and independent. 
• Acting out with behaviors such as temper tantrums, “talking back” or refusing to cooperate with bedtime routines. Teenagers may stop honoring curfews and start cutting school.
• Withdrawal from friends and playmates, wanting to spend more time alone

8. Helping Children Mourn
Of course, there is more to helping your child deal with the death of a loved one than simply explaining what death means. All but the youngest of children will react emotionally in some way, and children who are old enough to understand the permanence of death will grieve their loss. Here are a few suggestions for helping them express, process and cope with their feelings during this time.

9. Talk to the Child About Their Feelings
Have conversations with your child about your loved one’s death, and really listen to what they have to say. Talk openly about your feelings and encourage your child to do the same. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused, and allow them to express their feelings to you without trying to “fix” them or make them go away. Sometimes children are reluctant to share negative emotions with adults for fear of making a difficult situation worse. Let them know that the family is grieving together, and that strong emotions are part of that shared grief.

10. Answer Questions Honestly
Young children, in particular, may have many questions about your loved one’s death. They have little, if any, frame of reference for what is happening in their lives, and often lack the vocabulary to understand what they are being told. They may ask the same questions again and again: for example:

• Why did the person have to die?
• Where did they go?
• Why can’t they come back? 
• Am I going to die too?

These questions can be hard to answer, especially while you are coping with your own grief. But it’s important to respond as honestly as you can, even if the answer is “I don’t know.” Your child, like you, is trying to make sense of a world that has irrevocably changed. They may need a great deal of reassurance before they can begin to feel that the world is a safe place again. 

11. Encourage Creative Expression
Many children lack the vocabulary and life experience to express how they feel in words, but are surprisingly adept at portraying grief through art. Artistic expression is a safe outlet for negative feelings. The child doesn’t have to think about how what they say will affect their parents or other adults, they just spontaneously create a piece of art. The results can be extraordinarily revealing about what is going on in the child’s mind and heart. 

To help your child express themselves through art, offer them age-appropriate options to work with. Younger children will usually enjoy drawing a picture with finger paints, crayons or watercolor markers. Older children may enjoy working with clay or making mosaics out of wood chips and glue. Some kids may also want to create a story or poem to accompany a piece of art, perhaps as a memorial for the person who died. 

12. Let the Child Say Goodbye
Americans have traditionally tried to shield children from death. Because of our own fears and discomfort around “the last taboo,”  we have kept children away from wakes, viewings and funerals without realizing that doing so denies them the ability and the right to say goodbye. Our attitudes are evolving, however, and we are beginning to understand that allowing children to participate in these rituals is an important part of helping them grieve. 

No matter what form of final disposition you choose for your loved one, find a way to allow your child to participate in remembering them. If your loved one was cremated, the child can take part  in an ash scattering ceremony, even if they are quite young. If you are planning a memorial or celebration of life, the child can make a bouquet of flowers to bring to the event, write a poem to read aloud, or create a picture of a happy memory they enjoyed with the person who died. 

C. When to Seek Professional Help 

Like adults, most children will eventually integrate and process the loss of a loved one if given adequate support and enough time to grieve. However, some children may have a harder time adapting and need the help of a professional to move through their grief. Although every child is different, some behaviors that may indicate your child needs more support include:

• Excessive sadness, crying, or emotional withdrawal 
• Increased expression of anger, frustration and/or rage 
• Inability to experience pleasure; avoiding interactions with family and friends
• Recurring or severe nightmares 
• Obsessive thoughts about the loved one’s death 
• Extreme weight loss or weight gain
• Slipping grades
• Severe mood swings
• Risk taking behaviors
• Self-harm (cutting, burning, pulling out hair)  
• Talk of suicide 

D. Additional Resources for Grieving Children

Dealing with a child’s grief as you are mourning a loss is extraordinarily difficult, and you may find that you need additional help. Fortunately, there are a number of programs that work with grieving children that you can explore.

Camp Erin Part of the Eluna network, Camp Erin is a nationwide network of 37 camps that offers weekend grief retreats for children between the ages of 6 and 17. The program is offered free of charge and is led by trained grief counselors and volunteers.

The Dougy Center Founded in 1982, the Dougy Center is based in Portland, Oregon, and offers open-ended peer support groups for grieving children and teens. Groups are scheduled every other week and divided by age, and the relationship of the grieving child to the person who died and the cause of death (illness, sudden death, murder, suicide).  

National Alliance for Grieving Children is a nonprofit organization that raises awareness of the needs of grieving children and teens. Its website provides a list of non-vetted grief support groups in all 50 states as well as numerous resources for families dealing with loss and bereavement.