What Tools Are Available to Help Me Broach the Subject of Dying with My Loved Ones?

Death is a topic that many people find difficult to discuss, yet it’s an inevitable part of life. Having open and honest conversations about death and end-of-life wishes with loved ones can provide comfort when the death experience happens, and tools such as conversation starters, books, games and discussing an advance directive can help. When talking about dying with your loved ones, planning ahead and choosing a comfortable and private place is ideal rather than “springing” the topic on someone without warning. It’s also helpful to think about what specifics you’d like to discuss, along with end-of-life preferences of your own you’d like to share.

Conversation starters about death and dying

Sometimes, all it takes is a simple prompt to get the conversation going. According to Hospice of Red River Valley (HRRV), some jumping-off points include:

• Reflecting on a recent diagnosis, hospitalization or death of a loved one — a helpful opening phrase from HRRV is: “I was thinking about what happened, and it made me realize ______.”
• If you’ve come to some conclusions about your own end-of-life preferences, you can share those and ask what their own would be. 
• You can mention that you’re thinking about the future and would like some help planning. 
• There’s also a helpful step-by-step guide from The Conversation Project you can refer to.

Bethesda Senior Living encourages being open about your end-of-life wishes — putting them down in writing and even preplanning your funeral. Sharing this information with more than one person is a helpful practice. Also:

• Try to set emotions aside in favor of practicality when it comes to discussing things like where one might want to spend their last days and funeral arrangements.
• Be willing to venture into difficult territory about forgiveness, if necessary, to avoid regrets after you or a loved one has died.

Books about the subject of death and grief

There are many widely varying books that can help you think about death and dying. If you resonate particularly strongly with one or more, you can discuss some of your favorite ideas from the book with loved ones or even share a copy. Hospice UK suggests some popular choices such as:

• Kathryn Mannix, With the End in Mind
• Atul Gawande, Being Mortal
• Sherwin B. Nuland, How We Die
• Max Porter, Grief is the Thing With Feathers
• Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air 

And for children:

• Alec Aspinwall, I’ll be the Water

Games that open discussions about death

There are many games on the market that aim to open up conversations about death and end-of-life, which we discuss in detail in this article in our magazine.

Advance directive conversations

Consider creating an advance directive, which details exactly what you’d like to happen in the case you become seriously ill or incapacitated. You can share this document with loved ones to begin a conversation about death and dying and your preferences around end-of-life care.  

Sources

“5 Tips for Talking About Dying With Your Loved Ones”. Bethesda Senior Living Community. https://www.bethesdaseniorliving.com/senior-resources/5-tips-for-talking-about-dying-with-your-loved-ones

“Get Started”. The Conversation Project. https://theconversationproject.org/get-started

“Books to help us think about death, dying and grief”. Hospice UK. https://www.hospiceuk.org/latest-from-hospice-uk/books-help-us-think-about-death-dying-and-grief 

“10 Fun Games to Help You Talk About End-of-Life Care.” The Conversation Project. https://theconversationproject.org/tcp-blog/death-is-not-a-game-well-sometimes-it-is/

“12 Additional Must Read Books About Death and End-of-Life Care”. The Conversation Project. https://theconversationproject.org/tcp-blog/12-must-read-books-about-death-and-end-of-life-care/ 

“10 Must Reads About Death and End-Of-Life Care”. The Conversation Project. https://theconversationproject.org/tcp-blog/10-must-reads-about-death-and-end-of-life-care/