How Can I Support Someone With a Terminal Illness?

Supporting someone with a terminal illness may require some mental, emotional, or spiritual preparation. When we know someone is facing a life-threatening illness, it can spur us to question our own mortality in a way that may feel uncomfortable. Fears and personal feelings can surface. Or, we may feel anticipatory grief as we grapple with the loss of someone we care about.

But supporting someone at the end-of-life can be as simple as meaningful gestures or thoughtful words. Caring about how we might positively affect another human being is a noble, beautiful, and caring thing to do. Whether it is a loved one, friend, neighbor, or acquaintance, doing what we can to help them overcome an immediate struggle or to brighten their day can bring a sense of joy to both the giver and the receiver. 

While there are no right or wrong ways to support a person with a terminal illness, below are a few suggestions that can help someone to navigate this sensitive territory.   

Mindful ways to offer support 

• Convey that you care, even if you do not know exactly what to say.

 “I’m sorry that this is happening to you,” or “I’m here if you need to talk to someone,” are good ways to express that you care.

• Assure them that they can depend on you.  

Be specific about how or what you can do for them. Perhaps offer to help before help is needed. For example, “Can I bring a lasagna for dinner on Thursday for you?” or “I’m headed to the store to pick up your favorite snack; what else do you need that I can bring to you?” 

• Let them know how they have positively impacted your life.

Sharing what makes your relationship with this person special can be a meaningful experience for them, as well as you.

Phrases to Avoid

• Trite phrases such as, “I know how you feel.” “It’s going to be okay.” “You’ll beat this thing.”

 These are things we say when we want to reassure someone that all is well. However a terminal illness is just that, terminal. Do your best to avoid using these phrases as a means of conveying comfort. 

• “I will pray for you.”

Although it is meant to be comforting, an offer of prayers can be construed as meaningless or even offensive to someone who is not spiritual or religious. If you are not sure about their beliefs or views on God, death, or the afterlife, perhaps ask, and then offer to listen. If it seems appropriate, you can offer to pray with them instead of merely for them.

• “See you tomorrow/next week.” 

Disease progression in terminal illness can be very unpredictable. Try not to mention a specific time when you will return. Instead, say something, like “I will check back on you soon.”

Offer compassion and a listening ear

Your friend or loved one is a person with an illness, not an ill person. The diagnosis is not their sole identity, and they may still enjoy participating in many activities they enjoyed before they became seriously ill. Do your best to include them whenever possible. Continue to invite them to events, even if you suspect they may not be physically able to attend them. And although they may need more help as their disease progresses, don’t treat them as if they are helpless. Maintaining some level of independence as long as possible can help someone to retain a sense of dignity, self-worth and quality of life. 

Overall, the best thing you can do to support someone with a terminal illness is to engage in active listening. Follow their lead. Be patient. If they want to share their thoughts, feelings, or fears – listen without judgment. Meet them where they are. Maybe hold their hand. 

Being present is the greatest gift you can give.

Sources

“What Is Active Listening? Psychology Experts Share 5 Steps to Enhance Your Communication Skills”. Good Housekeeping. https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/a39601657/what-is-active-listening/