How Does My Terminal Illness Affect My Family?

A terminal illness affects the entire family, and relationship dynamics are certain to change. According to the National Cancer Institute, some areas that often change include the following:

• Roles: In every relationship, partners tend to assume certain roles. For example, one may be the “take charge” person who handles most of the planning and decision making, while the other assumes a more passive role. But when a spouse becomes ill, these roles are very often reversed. The adjustment can be difficult for both people involved. 
  
  
• Responsibilities: Just as each partner in a relationship takes on specific roles, each partner usually handles certain responsibilities. For example, one person may take care of the cooking and cleaning, while the other takes care of the yard and pays the bills. But when one partner becomes ill, the other partner will need to shoulder more responsibility in addition to assuming a caretaking role. 
  
  
• Physical and emotional needs: It can be very difficult for a person who’s accustomed to functioning independently to ask for help with things like fixing meals or getting dressed. Similarly, partners may find it hard to discuss how they’re feeling about the diagnosis and the changes taking place in their lives. But asking for help and giving and receiving emotional support is especially important during this challenging time. 
  
  
• Physical intimacy: Serious illness and the side effects of treatment may have significant effects on both sexual performance and sexual desire. Nonetheless, couples can still share physical intimacy in other ways. If talking about intimacy is uncomfortable for either partner, a therapist or social worker may be able to facilitate communication and offer suggestions that may help. 

Additionally, adult children or children in their teens may need to take on more responsibilities when a parent is ill, which is often quite challenging for both the parent and the child. Depending on the child’s age and level of emotional maturity, they may resent having to devote time to caretaking or household chores or working a part-time job to help pay the bills. Or they may participate very willingly, but still miss doing things they enjoy. In either case, the parent who is ill will often feel guilty for burdening their child, which can worsen feelings of helplessness, hopelessness or despair. 

In almost every situation, family members of someone who is seriously ill will also feel a sense of loss. Even though their loved one is still alive, they are not the same person they were before. They may look different, be less able to take part in day-to-day activities and even have trouble communicating at times. They also may be suffering physically and emotionally, which can cause everyone in the family to lose hope that their life will ever improve. These types of losses compound the anticipatory grief that the family is already experiencing because they know their loved one is going to die. While this can be quite painful for everyone, it is a normal reaction to what the family, both individually and collectively, is going through.  

Sources

“Coping With Cancer – Changes for the Family”. National Cancer Institute. https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/adjusting-to-cancer/changes-for-family