How Can I Deal With Anticipatory Grief and Prepare for My Loved One’s Death?

There is no one right way to deal with anticipatory grief or prepare for the death of someone you love. Just as all relationships are different, so are the losses you will experience as that relationship comes to an end. If the person has endured a long illness, you may have already been mourning a number of losses for quite some time: the loss of companionship, the loss of intimacy, the loss of shared hopes and dreams, even the loss of your own sense that life was stable and secure. But as their death becomes imminent, the overarching question of how you will manage the pain of permanent separation may be foremost on your mind. 

One thing to bear in mind as you navigate this challenging territory is that there is no way to avoid the pain that the loss of your loved one will cause. It is natural to look for a path forward that allows you to accept their death with equanimity and calm. But grief is the other side of love. If you love someone, you will hurt when they are no longer in your life. You will feel their absence deeply, particularly if you were very close. And while this is a frightening reality to contemplate, accepting it can be the first step to preparing for your loved ones death. 

Another important aspect of dealing with anticipatory grief is saying what needs to be said. Many people who lose a loved one suddenly suffer terribly because they never got to say “I love you” one last time, or never got to apologize for something they had done. But when you know your loved one is dying, you have the time to share your feelings and have meaningful conversations while they are still alive. Admittedly, this can be very difficult. It requires acknowledging that time is short and there may not be an opportunity to speak with your loved one again. But it also can be very freeing, both for you and for the person you love. 

In his book “The Four Things That Matter Most” Ira Byock provides a blueprint for these kinds of conversations that can be enormously useful as you think about what you want to say. He suggests that these four phrases “I forgive you,” “Please forgive me,” “Thank you” and “I love you” form the framework for all of the deeply felt emotions we want to convey as we say good-bye. You may want to write them down, then fill in your thoughts about each one. 

• What forgiveness do you owe your loved one that you have withheld out of resentment or hurt? 
• What have you not told them you are sorry for because you felt guilty or ashamed?
• What have they given you that you will always be thankful for? 

These are profound questions that get to the very heart of your relationship. Exploring them together can bring both you and the dying person a sense of completion and peace. 

And, of course, “I love you and I will miss you so much” can never be said too often as you prepare for your loved one to die. 

Sources
Ira Block: “The Four Things That Matter Most”. https://www.amazon.com/Four-Things-That-Matter-Most/dp/1476748535