31 Humorous Quotes About Aging

A lighthearted collection of witty, relatable lines that celebrate growing older with humor, perspective, and a touch of sarcasm

Aging has a funny way of sneaking up on you; one day you’re pulling all-nighters, and the next you’re celebrating a full eight hours of sleep like you’ve won the lottery. But if there’s one thing that makes growing older a little easier, it’s a good sense of humor. After all, as Betty White famously quipped, “The older you get, the better you get… unless you’re a banana.”

“As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.”

— Robert Quillen

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”

— Lucille Ball

“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”

— Agatha Christie

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

— Woody Allen

“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”

— Francis Bacon

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.”

— Jim Davis

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.”

— Billie Burke

“Whatever a man’s age, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his button-hole.”

— Mark Twain

“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75.”

— Attributed to Benjamin Franklin (possibly anonymous)

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.”

— Anonymous

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

— Bob Hope

“I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.”

— John Mortimer

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

— Robert Frost

“I believe my house is haunted. Every time I look in my mirror, a crazy old lady stands in front of me so I can’t see my reflection.”

— Anonymous

“Wrinkles should only indicate where smiles have been.”

— Mark Twain

“The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.”

— Oscar Wilde

“Age is a high price to pay for maturity.”

— Tom Stoppard

“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

— Bob Hope

“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”

— Bill Vaughan

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”

— Mark Twain

“At my age, flowers scare me.”

— George Burns

“I Thought Growing Old Would Take Longer”

— Unknown

“Middle Age: when you chose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy”

— Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

— Joan Rivers

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

— Larry Lorenzoni

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

— George Burns

“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”

— Helen Hayes

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”

— Bryan White

“At my age, I’m often asked if I’m frightened of death and my reply is always, I can’t remember being frightened of birth.”

— Peter Ustinov

“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.”

— George Burns

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

— Groucho Marx