Memorial Service Etiquette

In most cases, when planning what to wear to a memorial service, it’s safe to use the same guidelines as you would to dress for a funeral — more conservative, semi-formal wear (dressy casual) in darker tones is always appropriate. If any part of the service is taking place in a church or other place of worship, it’s prudent to ensure your shoulders are covered, as many religions prefer this. These days, color choice has become more relaxed for memorial services, though this is still generally not an occasion for flashy dressing. If you were close with the person who died, you may want to honor them by wearing a color or style they liked. An invitation may suggest the type of attire or a specific color scheme. Remember that your role in the service is to pay your respects to the loved one and support the living, and dressing ostentatiously can be a distraction. If in doubt, err on the side of more conservative wear. 

For women, dresses that cover the shoulders or are otherwise topped with a cardigan or shawl, and with hems close to the knee or longer, are appropriate, as are pants and a blouse, or a pantsuit. If there’s a graveside service, consider wearing flats, wedge or block heels, to more comfortably walk on grass. For men, suits or pants, a dress shirt, and jacket are always an appropriate choice.

Sources

“What to Wear to a Memorial Service | Casual to Formal Services”. Nimble Made. https://www.nimble-made.com/blogs/news/what-to-wear-to-a-memorial-service

“What to Wear to a Funeral or Memorial Service”. Dressed for My Day. https://dressedformyday.com/what-to-wear-to-a-funeral-or-memorial-service/ 

Although it is not required to have a guestbook at a memorial service, it helps maintain a record of the memorial service attendees. Some individuals use the guestbook to help them keep track of who should receive a note or letter of gratitude for attendance, whereas others view the guestbook as a cherished keepsake from the service. The purpose of the guestbook may also vary depending on the family’s preferences; some guestbooks are limited to space for attendee signatures and are not intended to include personal sentiments, while others include additional space for reflections or condolences. 

When guestbooks are used at a memorial service, they may be provided in a physical or virtual format. Traditional guestbooks are physical books that can be signed and provide surviving loved ones with a tangible item to keep after the service. However, many modern guestbooks now exist online on various platforms, making it easier for individuals to share reflections even if they cannot attend the memorial service. In either case, guestbooks can be a beautiful reminder of the extensive impact that the person who died had on the lives of those who remain. 

It is important to note that although having a guestbook is common, it is not a universal practice across cultures. Some families prefer alternative methods for remembering their loved ones, such as creating a memory board or other activities that can contribute to creating a new keepsake. Regardless of the format used, the ultimate intent is to remember the person who died and provide a space to commemorate the experience of a shared loss. 

Sources 

“How to set up a memorial guest book.” Ever Loved. https://everloved.com/articles/memorial-products/how-to-set-up-a-memorial-guest-book/ 

“How to sign the guestbook at a funeral or memorial service”. Everplans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/how-to-sign-the-guestbook-at-a-funeral-or-memorial-service 

It is generally appropriate for children to attend a memorial service if they are prepared ahead of time for what they may experience. Allowing children to attend a memorial service can help them gain an understanding of death in a supportive environment and further conceptualize how loved ones are honored after they die. It can also validate their grief and help them to find closure by saying goodbye to their loved one.

It is important to note that children should not be forced to attend a memorial service. If there is any indication that they may be uncomfortable or afraid, it is better to find an alternative activity that allows them to honor their loved one in an age-appropriate manner. Children who are interested in attending a memorial service should be allowed to attend with adult supervision, since the experience can be overstimulating for some or may prompt an increase in questions after the event. Providing explanations or answers that are appropriate for the child’s emotional and psychological maturity level can be crucial as they begin to shape their own perspectives regarding grief and loss. 

Parents or guardians should consider whether the atmosphere of the memorial service would be suitable for a child to attend. Children can easily become emotionally overwhelmed, distressed, or aggravated in unfamiliar environments, so planning ahead about how to handle intense emotions and when to take breaks can be helpful. While the tone of some services may be aligned more with a celebration of life, other services may be more somber and formal and primarily intended for an adult audience. If the family has specifically requested that attendees do not bring their children, it is important to be respectful by honoring their request. Ultimately, the decision to bring a child to a memorial service should be made based on the family’s preferences and the child’s emotional well-being.

Sources

“Attending Funerals or Memorial Services”. Healthy Children. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Attending-Funerals-or-Memorial-Services.aspx 

“Should You Bring Children To A Funeral Or Memorial Service?” Everplans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/should-you-bring-children-to-a-funeral-or-memorial-service 

While bringing a gift to a memorial service is not required, it can be a considerate gesture to express condolences and support the bereaved family. Gifts usually are not expected, but it is proper etiquette to bring a gift to the memorial service if you have the ability and resources to do so. Expensive or large gifts are typically inappropriate for a memorial service; they should instead be gifted directly to the family privately. Potential gifts that are appropriate for a memorial service can include: 

• Sympathy Card 
• Bunch of Flowers or Arrangement of Flowers (Contemporary Flowers vs Somber Ones of the Past)
• Memorial Wreath (Contemporary Flowers vs Somber Ones of the Past)
• Photos in a Card or Photos Framed
• Photo Album
• Handmade Keepsake 
• Keepsake Box
• Homemade Food or Store-Bought Food
• Record of a Donation
• Book on Grieving
• Garden Plant (Forget Me Nots, Love Lies Bleeding, Bleeding Hearts, a favorite flower or color, etc)
• Tree Seedling
• Flower Seeds (Forget Me Nots, Love Lies Bleeding, Bleeding Hearts, favorite flower or color, etc)
• Memorial Jewelry
• Comforting Blanket 
• Mug with Specialty Coffee or Tea
• Candle
• Gift with the Name of the Person Honored (Pillow, Holiday Ornament, Garden Stone, Etc.)
• Spa Gift Card
• Windchime
• Religious or Spiritual Item
• Cultural Item 
• Handwritten Letter Expressing the Memories of That Person
  

Sometimes families may request a donation to a specific cause or foundation in memory of the person who died. If you choose to make a donation, you can inform the family by mentioning it briefly in a sympathy card. A sympathy card is often one of the most common gifts that is given at a memorial service and should include your condolences along with any words of encouragement or even a brief memory of their loved one.

Flowers are another popular gift for memorial services, although it is important to be mindful when deciding whether to purchase them. Some individuals prefer not to have large displays of flowers. This may be due to a cultural or religious practice or simply their personal preference. Additionally, they may have already received flowers from other individuals during the funeral or viewing if it was conducted. Floral tributes are best sent ahead of a service. Consider using contemporary modern-day flower types to better reflect the celebration of a life in today’s world. A florist can offer floral suggestions. 

It is suitable to give food if it is requested by the family. However, if it has not been requested and you’re unsure if they will have a designated area to properly store the food to prevent it from perishing, it would be better to opt for a different gift. If giving food, you also need to be mindful of dietary restrictions and allergies. If you are uncertain whether bringing food would be appropriate, you can privately ask the family if they would prefer to have a meal dropped off at their home, or you can provide them with a gift card for a meal with the sympathy card. 

Photos are often a cherished gift, especially since families don’t always get to see the photos that other individuals have taken of their loved ones. Photos can be gifted in a variety of formats, such as a photo book, a keepsake item, or even a portrait on a wrapped canvas. Making a collage is another appropriate option for sharing photos at a memorial service.

Even if the family is not expecting a gift, including one with your attendance at the memorial service can be an excellent way to show that you care. Remember to consider the cultural and religious background of the family since this can often influence whether certain gifts are appropriate. Ultimately, however, as long as you select a gift that demonstrates your compassion for the family and remains authentic to the memory of the individual being honored at the service, you are certain to leave a lasting impression. 

Sources

“Should I Bring a Gift to a Funeral? Memorial Gift Etiquette Explained”. All Gifts Considered. https://allgiftsconsidered.com/bring-gift-funeral-memorial-gift-etiquette-explained/ 

“What to Bring to a Funeral or Memorial Service”. EverLoved. https://everloved.com/articles/funeral-etiquette/what-bring-funeral-or-memorial-service/ 

“What to Bring to a Funeral or Celebration of Life?” Eternally Loved. https://eternallyloved.com/blog/what-to-bring-to-a-funeral-or-celebration-of-life/ 

Yes, cremation ashes can certainly be scattered at a memorial, and can be a personal and symbolic way to honor yourself or your loved one. The scattering can take place during the primary memorial service or in a separate ceremony and location.

Scattering ashes can have many benefits, including:

• Shared experience — it gives family and friends the opportunity to participate in the process together. A sense of community in grief can bring comfort and healing.
• Connection — Scattering ashes allows loved ones to feel connected to the person who died.
• Greater Flexibility — You can choose one or more locations for scattering. Ashes can also be divided, sharing the person’s memory with family members or friends to scatter in different places.

• Connecting with Nature — Some choose to scatter ashes as a ceremonial return to the earth. 
• No Physical Grave — For families who prefer not to have a traditional burial site, scattering ashes can serve as an option that still allows for a meaningful memorial.

Locations are typically tranquil spots of significance, such as: 

• Oceanside
• Lakeside
• Riverside

• Private property 
• Parks, state lands, and outdoor venues (with the proper permits)
• Scattering gardens (often a dedicated area inside a cemetery)

Whether you can bring your pet to a memorial service depends on the specific venue and the preferences of the family or host of the event. Some memorial services, especially those in private homes or more informal settings, may be open to having pets as they can provide comfort and emotional support. If the memorial service is in a more formal venue, like a church, funeral home, or public space, it’s important to check with the organizer ahead of time to ensure pets are allowed.

There are as many distinct ways to honor your loved one as there are personalities out there. Whether you prefer a religious or traditional ceremony or something totally contemporary and customized, prefer the body be present for viewing or not, want to scatter ashes, have hundreds of guests or keep things intimate, spend a lot or a little, you can do this in a way that meaningfully brings people together to remember and honor your loved one. 

The many types of services to honor the death of a loved one include:

• Traditional burial or funeral service
• Religious funeral
• Military funeral service
• Memorial service
• Seaside memorial service
• Burial at sea service
• Graveside or committal service
• Green burial graveside service
• Online or virtual memorial service
• Annual memorial day or event
• Video tribute 
• Virtual memory wall
• Celebration of life
• Living memorial or DeParty (prior to death)
• Visitation
• Wake
• Witnessing cremation
• Scattering ceremony
• Tree planting ceremony
• Living tribute ceremony (for a memorial bench, plaque, etc.) 
• Candlelight vigil 
• Fireworks display
• Balloon or lantern release
• Music, arts, or community event in memory
• Commemorative walk, hike, or other activity your loved one enjoyed
• Family or group trip to a favorite destination of your loved one
• Memorial group tattoo
• Memorial blood drive
• Memorial charitable donations
• Memorial picnic, potluck, or barbecue

Whether you choose one of the above options, a combination, or design your own event, considering your loved one’s favorite activities, hobbies, or passions can help you create a memorial service that is both beautiful and healing.

Living celebrations, or memorials before death, are events or rituals to honor the life of yourself or a loved one who is terminally ill while still alive. These gatherings give you the opportunity to experience love, appreciation, and the memories of family and friends while you can enjoy them, offering a chance to reflect on your legacy and the impact you’ve had on others. Living celebrations can range from small, intimate affairs, such as a gathering of loved ones to share stories and wishes, to bigger celebrations, like hosting a “celebration of life” event at home or abroad. These kinds of events can provide a sense of closure, connection, and community before death, creating meaningful, even joyful, memories for those involved.

There are a few different terms for living celebrations. Some include: 

• Celebration of life
• Departy (a SevenPonds term)
• Living wake  
• Living funeral
• Funeral while living
• Pre-funeral
• Seizenso (originated in Japan)
• Farewell party or ceremony
• Choreographed death (living celebrations can be part of this concept, where someone chooses their death-related plans and rituals)

Sources

“Planning ahead: Living funerals.” Marie Curie. https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/information/planning-ahead/living-funerals

“Why not attend your own funeral?” Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2025/04/14/living-celebrations-attend-own-funeral/

“At His Own Wake, Celebrating Life and the Gift of Death.” New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/25/world/canada/euthanasia-bill-john-shields-death.html