Coping Strategies & Support Systems For Grief

Grief doesn’t follow a timetable and doesn’t “end” in the sense that you will “get over” your loss. You should feel better with time, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t experience pangs of intense sadness or longing for your loved one for many months or years to come (these are sometimes referred to as “grief bursts, pangs or waves.) Such feelings are often triggered by some unexpected reminder of the person who died, such as an image, a song or even a smell. But sometimes they seem to happen for no reason at all. Such is the nature of loss. 

Although the pain of grief does wane for most people, healing doesn’t mean that you can or should “move on” to a life that doesn’t include the person who died. Most grief experts today believe that an essential part of moving forward is learning to integrate the person you lost into your “new” life and maintaining a relationship with them in some way. This may include things like celebrating their birthday, holding an annual memorial service on the day they died, or creating rituals that honor your loved one’s continued presence in your life.

With that being said, research supports that a majority of people who have lost a loved one — between 50% and 85% — begin to experience a decrease in the intensity of their grief within 6 months of the loss. Again, this doesn’t mean that the symptoms of grief magically resolve, but that difficult feelings and emotional distress begin to gradually taper off. Most grievers oscillate between feelings of hope and positivity and sadness and longing for up to 2 years. But the trajectory is typically one in which pleasant memories begin slowly to replace negative emotions, and sadness abates. If this doesn’t happen — if the grieving person continues to experience intense distress for more than 24 months — they may be suffering from prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief. 

Sources

“Coping with Grief: What Are Grief Triggers?” Funeral Basics. https://www.funeralbasics.org/coping-grief-triggers/ 

“Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ®): Health Professional Version”. National Library of Medicine. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26389487/ 

Pets can become like members of the family, and when a pet dies it’s natural to feel deep and sometimes difficult levels of grief. You are not alone in mourning the loss of a furry friend, and there are actions you can take as well as resources you can connect with to help you navigate the loss. According to the Humane Society of the United States, some ways to cope with the death of your pet include:

• Acknowledging your grief and expressing it. Rather than suppressing your feelings or attempting to move on quickly, allow yourself to cry or otherwise release your emotions — this can help you progress through the grief process. 
• Rather than ruminating over your pet’s final moments, especially if traumatic, try to focus on favorite moments with your pet and the life you shared together. 
• Seeking support, either from pet-loving friends you know, or online groups. The Humane Society recommends Gateway Services’ Pet Compassion Careline, the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, and Lap of Love.
• Memorializing your pet — whether through having a funeral, creating a memory box of keepsakes, planting a tree in their honor, commissioning a painting or other enduring piece of art featuring them, or sharing memories of your pet on social media. 

Grieving a pet is in many ways like grieving the loss of a human loved one. Allow yourself the time and space to heal, and to process your emotions at your own pace. Connecting with your feelings and connecting with others who have experienced something similar can be immensely helpful as you move through grief. 

Sources

“How to Cope with the Death of Your Pet”. Humane World for Animals. https://www.humaneworld.org/en/resources/how-cope-death-your-pet 

Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. https://www.aplb.org/join-the-aplb-today/ 

“Pet Loss Support”. Lap of Love. https://www.lapoflove.com/our-services/pet-loss-support 

Bereavement leave, also known as compassionate leave, refers to employer-sanctioned time off from work that is approved following the death of a loved one. The purpose of bereavement leave is to provide employees with a designated period to make final arrangements, attend funerals or services, and process their loss. Since employers are not federally mandated to have a bereavement leave policy, the availability and guidelines for bereavement leave can vary. However, some states require that bereavement leave must be provided to employees under specific circumstances.

Not all employers offer bereavement leave, so individuals who are considering requesting it should review the company’s employee handbook to determine if leave is an option. If the policy is available, it should indicate whether the leave is paid or unpaid, as well as how much time off is permitted, and any necessary criteria that must be met to qualify for requesting leave. Qualifications often depend on the employee’s relationship to the person who died, and many policies only provide bereavement leave for close relatives. If a policy doesn’t seem to be documented in the handbook or additional clarification is needed regarding the terms of the policy, reaching out to Human Resources is the next step.

In general, it is best to request bereavement leave as soon as possible after the loss of a loved one. The request should be submitted in writing and then confirmed verbally with a supervisor or manager. Details that typically need to be provided include the length of time being requested, the name of the funeral home, the employee’s relation to the person who died, and what tasks need to be covered if the leave is approved. While it is not a common practice, some employers will request proof that that bereavement leave request is legitimate. Submission of documents such as a funeral program, obituary, memorial service notification or similar announcement is appropriate, but some employers may have specific requests to fulfill this requirement. 

Overall, requesting bereavement leave requires transparent and timely communication with an employer. Following the company’s policy with as much specificity as possible and notifying the necessary team members can often increase the likelihood that a leave request will be approved. In the event that the leave cannot be approved, most employers are willing to be flexible to ensure that employees are able to take time off to grieve, even if it is a shorter period than initially requested.

Sources

“How to Ask for Bereavement Leave When You Have a Death in the Family”. The Muse. https://www.themuse.com/advice/how-to-ask-for-bereavement-leave-death-in-the-family 

“What Is Bereavement Leave and How Does It Work? (With FAQs)”. Indeed. https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/bereaved-leave 

Managing grief is challenging, but can be even more of an intensely emotional experience during the holidays or special occasions. There are some strategies that have been shown to be effective in helping bereaved individuals navigate their grief during these particularly difficult days or periods. A few that may be helpful include: 

• Setting boundaries regarding what you will and will not participate in during the holiday 
• Maintaining old traditions and creating new traditions 
• Doing something to help someone else
• Find a way to honor your loved one 

Setting boundaries and maintaining them can be helpful, especially if there are certain activities or traditions that are likely to trigger a grief response. Similarly, although it might feel comfortable to participate and interact with friends and family for a brief period of time during the holiday or special occasion, spending too much time with them can be very difficult on an emotional and psychological level for someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Knowing your limitations and when it’s time to take a break to spend time to yourself can be very helpful in these scenarios. 

Traditions are often part of holidays or special occasions, but can also prompt a grief response. It can be challenging to separate these from the experience since traditions tend to be associated with meaningful memories or reflections for the holiday. Instead of eliminating traditions entirely, one strategy is to continue old traditions and introduce some new traditions as well. This can help you to stay connected to your loved one and keep those memories close to your heart while still providing an opportunity to look forward to creating new memories to share with other loved ones. 

Another great way to manage grief during special occasions is to focus on doing something to help someone else. This can involve a charitable act such as feeding people at a soup kitchen or donating items to individuals in need. Some people choose to participate in an action that was meaningful to their loved one or upholds their legacy, whereas other people select a kind action based on their own preferences. Helping other people can transition your focus away from your grief and direct it toward the challenges that other people are facing in their own lives.

It is important to realize that strategies to manage your grief are not intended to distract you from the thoughts of your loved one or serve as a way to eliminate them from your experience of the holiday or special occasion. In fact, finding a way to honor your loved one is an excellent strategy for managing your grief since it allows you to bring aspects of what you love about that person into your experience of those special days. This might look like playing music they enjoyed, reciting a poem or a prayer that they found meaningful, participating in one of their favorite activities, sharing memories and telling stories about them, or looking at pictures of them. What is effective can vary for everyone, so aim to find a way to include and honor your loved one in a manner that feels the most supportive and meaningful for you. 

Sources

“How to Cope with Grief During the Holidays”. The Psychology Group. https://thepsychologygroup.com/how-to-cope-with-grief-during-the-holidays/

“Dealing With Grief During the Holidays: 28 Ways to Cope”. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grief-during-the-holidays/ 

“Dealing With Grief During the Holiday Season”. AARP. https://www.aarp.org/family-relationships/grief-loss-during-holidays/ 

Although many people experience difficulty in knowing what to say or do in these circumstances, there are many ways to support someone who is grieving. The pain and emotions associated with grief can be very intense, so understanding how to be supportive and considerate of another person’s grief journey is crucial. In general, it is important to remember that grieving individuals need to know that they have a safe space to express their emotions without judgment. 

Acknowledging the loss and validating the emotions of the bereaved is the first step to being supportive. Dedicate time to listen attentively to the emotions that they are sharing and encourage them to discuss how they feel. Although people often worry about not knowing the “right” words to say in these situations, sometimes nothing needs to be said at all. Sometimes sitting quietly and being a supportive listener while the grieving individual cries or talks about their feelings is more helpful than providing verbal encouragement. 

If it does seem like an appropriate time to speak about the loss, then consider asking open-ended questions to help the grieving individual become more comfortable with sharing how they feel. It is important to understand that you cannot provide a solution to this person’s loss and that this is typically not a space for providing advice or guidance, but simply a space of acknowledgment. Instead, aim to focus on providing empathy and understanding and avoid making any statements that may seem to minimize or downplay the emotions of the person who is grieving. 

Another way that you can support a grieving individual is by helping to meet a need that they may be neglecting due to their grief process. For example, offering to cook food for them or buy their meals can be helpful since some bereaved individuals will forget to eat or will be too overwhelmed to prepare meals. Helping out with tasks around the house or running errands for them is another helpful way to support them, especially since they might forget or struggle to keep up with important dates and deadlines. Checking in on them regularly can also be helpful, especially if they seem to be isolating themselves due to their grief. Finally, if you’re ever unsure of the best way to support them, asking how they’ve been managing or what you can do to help them can be a great step toward understanding their needs. 

Sources

“Helping Someone Who’s Grieving”. HelpGuide. https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving 

“21 Ways to Help Someone You Love Through Grief”. Time. https://time.com/5118994/advice-for-helping-grieving-friend/ 

“Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving”. Marie Curie. https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/information/grief/supporting-grieving-family-friend 

Grief therapy, also sometimes known as grief counseling or bereavement counseling, is a form of therapy that helps individuals cope with the psychological and emotional impact of losing a loved one. People attending grief therapy sessions work together with a mental health professional to accept the loss of their loved one and develop healthy coping strategies. Depending on when the individual starts attending sessions, grief therapy may help them navigate the initial influx of emotions that directly follow a loss or it can help them work toward accepting the loss in the weeks or months that follow the death of their loved one. 

Mental health professionals who provide grief therapy often come prepared with a variety of evidence-based interventions and techniques to ease the pain of the loss. This can include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), talk therapy, play therapy, group therapy, and other options that may be suitable based on each individual’s needs. Sometimes specific activities or exercises are also recommended to help individuals process their grief or express emotions that they may be struggling to navigate. For example, writing a letter to the person who died or working through a role-play are two common therapeutic activities that can help bereaved individuals explore their emotions in a secure setting. 

Although there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to grieve, sometimes people experience very severe and intense grief that requires more in-depth and consistent support. Individuals who are diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder, complicated grief disorder, or traumatic grief typically require more direct support which can extend beyond traditional grief therapy. Working with a mental health professional that specializes in trauma may also be helpful. 

Sources

“What is Grief Counseling and How Does it Help?” Talkspace. https://www.talkspace.com/blog/grief-counseling-therapy-definition-what-is/ 

“10 Grief Counseling Therapy Techniques & Interventions”. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/grief-counseling/ 

“What is Grief Counseling?” VeryWell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-grief-counseling-5189153 

Grief is an emotional response to loss, and it can be difficult to cope with the intense feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, or fear that come with the territory. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed or helpless during this time, but in most cases, people are able to manage their grief journey with the support of friends and loved ones.

However, if sadness persistently interferes with or disables normal functioning — including difficulty with daily activities or work, relationship issues, changes in sleep, appetite, or physical wellbeing, loss of interest in hobbies and/or engaging in destructive or self-destructive behavior — then it may be time to seek professional help. Further, if you’re prone to depression and anxiety, the support of a mental health specialist can be beneficial. 

If your grief experience is persistent or debilitating within 12 months of when your loved one has died (or within six months for children/adolescents), you may be entering the realm of complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder, as per the American Psychiatric Association. This APA characterizes the disorder as the experience of “incapacitating feelings of grief,” and the treatment for complicated grief generally involves therapy as part of healing.

How a mental health provider can assist you

If you feel professional help may be called for, a mental health provider can offer treatments such as counseling, medication management if needed, or other forms of therapy that can be effective in helping manage symptoms of grief. They are also able to provide referrals for more intensive counseling or specialized grief support services if needed.

Finding a qualified mental health provider who specializes in treating grief can feel daunting, but there are many resources available to help you. Your primary care physician may be able to provide referrals, as well as local hospitals and clinics that specialize in mental health services. You can also search online for providers who offer virtual appointments and read reviews from previous patients to find someone who fits your needs. 

Everyone’s grief journey looks different, and there isn’t one universal approach to coping with loss. You are not alone in this experience. For long-term, debilitating grief, seeking professional help can be beneficial in managing symptoms, learning to cope with the overwhelming emotions you’re feeling, and healing as you find your path forward.

Sources

“When Does Grief Require Therapy?”. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/widows-walk/202203/when-does-grief-require-therapy 

“When You Are Grieving”. Hospice Foundation of America. https://hospicefoundation.org/when-you-are-grieving/ 

Since navigating the emotions and challenges associated with grief can vary for everyone, there are several factors to consider when deciding if joining a grief support group is the right option for you. Grief support groups can be helpful in attaining an additional source of understanding and comfort from other individuals who can relate to the difficulties of the grief journey. They can also be a non-judgmental and safe space for sharing emotions that might be challenging to communicate with loved ones. 

Although grief support groups are helpful to many people, it is important to understand that the decision to join a group is deeply personal. Everyone processes their grief differently and has their own journey that allows them to process their emotions more effectively. For example, some people are more comfortable processing their grief privately. Other people may have an interest in gaining support and guidance in navigating their grief by pursuing individual counseling or therapy instead of a group setting. Some people struggle with participating in support groups since they may find that listening to stories about other people’s grief may be too intensely emotional for them as they process their own grief.

It is crucial to take some time to reflect on your needs and preferences when deciding whether a grief support group is the right choice. Each grief support group has different dynamics, and some cater to specific populations or demographics of people who have been impacted by loss. Some groups meet in person and some meet virtually using a video conferencing program online. Most groups have different cadences for their scheduled meetings, such as biweekly or monthly. Another consideration is that even if you don’t feel comfortable attending a grief support group now, you might be interested in participating at a later time when the grief is less recent.

Finally, it’s important to understand that sometimes the most effective support needs to be tailored to your experience of grief as an individual. While grief support groups can be a source of compassion and open communication surrounding loss, they are not a replacement for therapy. Individuals who are struggling with intense, complicated, or prolonged grief may experience more therapeutic benefits from connecting privately with a mental health professional. 

Sources

“Grief Support Groups: Positives and Pitfalls”. What’s Your Grief. https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-groups-positives-and-pitfalls/ 

“Does Group Grief Counseling Work?” Health. https://www.health.com/mind-body/grief-support-groups 

“Should I or Shouldn’t I Join a Grief Support Group?” Centering and Grief Digest Magazine. https://centering.org/grief-digest-magazine/should-i-or-shouldnt-i-join-a-grief-support-group/ 

There is no one right way to deal with anticipatory grief or prepare for the death of someone you love. Just as all relationships are different, so are the losses you will experience as that relationship comes to an end. If the person has endured a long illness, you may have already been mourning a number of losses for quite some time: the loss of companionship, the loss of intimacy, the loss of shared hopes and dreams, even the loss of your own sense that life was stable and secure. But as their death becomes imminent, the overarching question of how you will manage the pain of permanent separation may be foremost on your mind. 

One thing to bear in mind as you navigate this challenging territory is that there is no way to avoid the pain that the loss of your loved one will cause. It is natural to look for a path forward that allows you to accept their death with equanimity and calm. But grief is the other side of love. If you love someone, you will hurt when they are no longer in your life. You will feel their absence deeply, particularly if you were very close. And while this is a frightening reality to contemplate, accepting it can be the first step to preparing for your loved ones death. 

Another important aspect of dealing with anticipatory grief is saying what needs to be said. Many people who lose a loved one suddenly suffer terribly because they never got to say “I love you” one last time, or never got to apologize for something they had done. But when you know your loved one is dying, you have the time to share your feelings and have meaningful conversations while they are still alive. Admittedly, this can be very difficult. It requires acknowledging that time is short and there may not be an opportunity to speak with your loved one again. But it also can be very freeing, both for you and for the person you love. 

In his book “The Four Things That Matter Most” Ira Byock provides a blueprint for these kinds of conversations that can be enormously useful as you think about what you want to say. He suggests that these four phrases “I forgive you,” “Please forgive me,” “Thank you” and “I love you” form the framework for all of the deeply felt emotions we want to convey as we say good-bye. You may want to write them down, then fill in your thoughts about each one. 

• What forgiveness do you owe your loved one that you have withheld out of resentment or hurt? 
• What have you not told them you are sorry for because you felt guilty or ashamed?
• What have they given you that you will always be thankful for? 

These are profound questions that get to the very heart of your relationship. Exploring them together can bring both you and the dying person a sense of completion and peace. 

And, of course, “I love you and I will miss you so much” can never be said too often as you prepare for your loved one to die. 

Sources:

Ira Byock: “The Four Things That Matter Most”. https://www.amazon.com/Four-Things-That-Matter-Most/dp/1476748535 

Just as there is no one-size-fits-all way to grieve, there is no universal way to cope with the many physical, emotional and behavioral reactions that accompany a loss. In fact, according to ongoing research, the only thing that reliably seems to lessen grief is the passage of time. 

With that being said, there are still things you can do to make your grief easier to bear. At first, you will likely have very little energy and a lot of difficulty with day-to-day tasks. So, call on friends and relatives to help with meals, shopping, childcare and the like. If you’re having trouble planning a funeral or memorial service,[link to topic] ask someone you trust to help out there as well. 

You may also want to seek advice from people you know who have also experienced a loss similar to your own. Just hearing how someone else responded to what you’re dealing with can help you understand that what you’re feeling is normal and OK. Reading [books about grief and loss][(link to healing library]can also be therapeutic, as can attending bereavement support groups. Some people find creative pursuits such as writing, painting or woodworking to be a wonderful outlet, while others find comfort in returning to work. Listening to music [link to healing songs] or reading poetry [Link to healing poetry] may also provide comfort during this time. 

If you are a person of faith, reaching out to a spiritual counselor can also be helpful after a loss. Keep in mind, however, that many people, especially those whose loved one died suddenly or after a long, difficult illness, find it hard to reconcile their spirituality with the pain they feel. You may feel angry at God for taking your loved one from you or from letting them suffer for so long. This, too, is normal and should lessen with time.  

Most importantly, remember that you have been dealt a terrible blow. Even if you knew your loved one was dying, the finality of death causes shock and disbelief. Accept the fact that your life has been turned upside down, and that nothing will feel “right” for quite a while. Take care of yourself as much as you can, and let the people who love you take care of you too. 

(For more suggestions on coping with grief, see our Step by Step Planning Guide: The Healing Process) 

Sources

“The effectiveness of psychotherapeutic interventions for bereaved persons: a comprehensive quantitative review”. National Library of Medicine. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18729566/ 

Bereaved parents and families often need ongoing support to cope with the death of a child and to move through their grief. Although many bereaved parents say their pain is so profound it can never be healed, they nevertheless manage to find a way to reconcile with the reality of the loss and go on with their lives. The following organizations may be of help to families struggling to cope with the death of a child. 

Bereaved Parents of the U.S.A. Founded in 1995 by a small group of bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings, BPUSA now has chapters all across the U.S. that offer support and encouragement  to others who have lost a child. 

American Childhood Cancer Organization:  Formerly known as Candlelighters, the ACCO is the largest grassroots organization in the U.S. dedicated to children with cancer and their families, including those who have lost a child to the disease. The group offers resources, peer-counseling and financial support to families across the U.S.  

Compassionate Friends: A nationwide nonprofit that provides ongoing peer support to bereaved families through a network of over 600 local chapters in all 50 states.

First Candle/SIDS Alliance: A support, education and advocacy group for families affected by Sudden Unexpected Infant Death, including Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and Accidental Suffocation or Strangulation in Bed. 

MISS foundation: Founded by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, a psychologist, researcher, educator and bereaved mother, the MISS foundation provides online resources and one-on-one mentoring and support to bereaved parents across the U.S.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD): Founded in 1980, MADD is an education, advocacy and support organization for families who have been victimized by drunk or drugged driving. 

National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children; A nonprofit that provides ongoing support and guidance to families of children who died by violence. 

The Alcove Center for Grieving Children and Families: Located in Galloway, New Jersey, The Alcove offers peer support and counseling for children and adults who have experienced the loss of a child. In addition to in-person sessions, the group currently offers individual teletherapy for grief, loss and/or trauma, and peer support groups hosted on Zoom.