Grief in Relationships & Development

Grief can impact your relationships with others in sometimes unexpected ways. When mourning a loved one’s death, or dealing with any significant emotional pain, you may want extra support from friends or family, or you may want to withdraw. Discrepancies between the type of support you’re seeking and what you’re receiving can impact relationships. The same goes for having different styles of mourning, ways to cope with grief, and belief systems around end-of-life. Grief can prompt a rollercoaster of emotions, among them anger, guilt, denial and more, which can affect relationship dynamics.

On the other hand, grief can also deepen relationships. Friends and loved ones can become a source of comfort, empathizing with their own grief, being there for you and allowing time and space to move through your feelings. 

Navigating grief and relationships

When you’re experiencing grief, it’s important to communicate your needs clearly, while understanding that not everyone in your life may be able to meet them — your friends and loved ones are doing the best they can with what they know. It can be helpful to understand that there’s no correct method nor timeline for grieving. If you feel that grief is causing long-term negative impacts on your relationships, it’s a good idea to seek support through counseling or a grief support group in person or online. 

Sources 

“How Grief and Loss Impacts Your Relationships”. Bayview Therapy. https://www.bayviewtherapy.com/single-post/how-grief-and-loss-impacts-your-relationships 

“How Grief Impacts Relationships (And What You Can Do About It)”. Thrive Family Services. https://thrivefamilyservices.com/how-grief-impacts-relationships/ 

“Understanding Grief and Loss: An Overview”. Heal Grief. https://healgrief.org/understanding-grief/?gad_source=1 

Inhibited grief occurs when someone who has experienced a loss represses or avoids their emotions, usually due to being unable to face or accept the death. Many people who experience inhibited grief don’t realize it’s happening. Indeed, many of us haven’t learned how to process or sometimes even recognize the kinds of emotions that can follow the death of a loved one. Avoiding or numbing one’s feelings, however, doesn’t allow one to process the loss and move through grief, and repressing emotions can result in them manifesting in physical ways, including upset stomach, insomnia or panic attacks. 

Potential causes of inhibited grief

Several factors can contribute to inhibited grief. These include:

• Being afraid to face the intensity of your emotions — the strength and variety of feelings that come with experiencing a loss can be overwhelming, and a fear of being totally consumed by grief may prevent you from moving through it (this can be conscious or not).
• Viewing yourself as the “anchor” of friends and family who are also grieving — in an effort to protect those close to you, or believing they won’t be able to handle seeing you grieving, you may put up a wall around your emotions.
• Feeling disconnected from life after the loss — it may be that daily life feels hazy or the death doesn’t feel real, so you can feel unaffected by grief.
• Opting to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs — you may turn to mind-altering substances in an attempt to escape the reality of the loss or numb the intensity of feelings, though the detachment is temporary and often prevents fully processing your grief.

Ways to move forward

Accept support

If you recognize you’re avoiding painful or overwhelming emotions following the death of a loved one, it can be helpful to acknowledge that people who love you want to support you — but they may not know how, or that you are struggling. Broaching the subject of grief with people close to you may be unfamiliar or uncomfortable, but asking for help or even just a listening ear can go a long way toward feeling supported and moving through the emotions. It may be that you feel more comfortable seeking support outside friends and family, in which case you can find a grief support group, counselor or therapist to help you work through your feelings.

Uncover emotions

If you suspect you’re repressing your feelings, there are several methods you can try to release the emotions. Finding a place you feel safe and simply acknowledging that you’re feeling grief can be a helpful first step. Seeing if the emotions are causing any physical sensations that you can soothe can also help you identify and move through pain. Expressing your emotions out loud or in writing, even singing or movement, can help release them. Drawing, painting or journaling can also help you tap into and release intense emotions.

Sources

“Inhibited Grief: What It Is & How to Start Healing”. Friends in Transition. https://fit-counseling.com/inhibited-grief-what-it-is-how-to-start-healing/ 

“Deepak Chopra’s 7-Step Exercise to Release Emotional Turbulence”. Gaiam. https://www.gaiam.com/blogs/discover/deepak-chopras-7-step-exercise-to-release-emotional-turbulence 

Although kids do go through the stages of grief much like adults do, their responses and reactions can vary based on their limited understanding of death and dying in relation to their developmental stages. Similar to adults, kids do not experience the stages of grief in a linear progression, which means that they can revert to previous stages or skip to other stages as they process their grief. Since kids can express grief differently than adults, their ability to transition from one stage to another may be less easily identified by a parent or caregiver. 

Kids tend to have a cyclical experience of grief. As they progress through their developmental stages, they may grieve over the same loss repeatedly as their understanding continues to mature. Throughout this cyclical process, it is crucial for parents and caregivers to maintain an environment of support and open communication. Validating their emotions and helping them to understand unfamiliar feelings that may emerge can help reduce some of the fear and anxiety that kids can experience when navigating the loss of a loved one. 

It is important to understand that while kids do experience stages of grief, they need to be allowed to grieve at their own pace and in the manner that best supports their level of understanding and maturity. Parents and caregivers can provide guidance throughout the grief process, but should do with mindfulness that a child’s experience of the stages of grief won’t be identical to their experience as an adult. Ultimately, remaining as a consistent source of support and ensuring that kids have access to the appropriate resources during their cyclical experiences are essential to achieving the best possible outcome. 

Sources

“Grief by Age: Developmental Stages and Ways to Help”. Eluna. https://elunanetwork.org/resources/developmental-grief-responses/ 

“Supporting children through times of grief”. Mayo Clinic Health System. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/do-children-grieve 

A loss in your immediate family can be devastating for individual family members as well as the family as a whole. Each person will go through their own grieving process at their own pace and in their own way. Family roles, both practical and emotional, will also shift in the aftermath of a loss, sometimes dramatically changing how the family functions as a whole. All of these changes can contribute to strained relationships, confusion, resentment and guilt. 

As you work towards your own personal healing, keep in mind that all members of your family are dealing with momentous changes in their lives. Recognize that life will never go back to the way it was, but you can work together towards creating a new normal that works for each of you. Here are a few suggestions that may help you accomplish that goal. 

Model open communication

Sometimes families have difficulty finding a way to talk about the death of someone they love. Children, especially, may be wary of upsetting the adults in their lives by being open about their own grief. Adults, meanwhile, may be trying hard to maintain a sense of normalcy at the expense of talking about how they feel. The result of these behaviors can be that everyone “walks on eggshells” and avoids acknowledging their loss. 

To help your family cope more successfully, model open communication to the extent that you can. Share a memory at the dinner table, even if it makes you cry. If a song comes on the radio that reminds you of the person who died, acknowledge that aloud. Mentioning your loved one in casual conversations helps everyone acknowledge the loss while recognizing that your loved one still has an important role in your lives.

Create a memorial together

Working together to create a memorial for the person who died is a wonderful way to bring the family together to celebrate and honor their life. Choose something that the whole family can participate in, whether it’s planting a garden, creating a memory book, or putting together a photo collage. If you have young children, you can also invite them to create something of their own, such as drawings or paintings that depict happy memories of the person they loved. 

Plan together time

After an immediate family member dies, it is not uncommon for families to drift apart. At a time when each family member is trying to come to terms with their loss, shifting roles can cause friction and discord that compounds the family’s grief: A teenager who is suddenly responsible for the care of a younger sibling may become resentful and act out. A widowed spouse may be overwhelmed with the tasks of running a household while holding down a full-time job and express their frustration in less than ideal ways. Young children may demand more attention at a time when no one has any time or energy to spare. 

In such challenging circumstances, it may seem impractical to plan a family outing, or even a family meal. Yet, bringing everyone together can be very healing and can pay off in unexpected ways. Start with something simple, like a shared take-out pizza on a Friday night. Then use that time together to plan something more elaborate — perhaps a trip to the beach or a local park. Even a few hours spent together in pleasant surroundings can defuse tensions and give everyone some respite from the weight of shared grief. 

Honor family traditions, but make room for new ones too

After the death of a family member, you will almost certainly find meaning and comfort in honoring traditions, such as celebrating birthdays with a special meal, or decorating the house with cherished mementos around the holidays. But as time goes on, it’s important to introduce new traditions as well. Maybe take the family out for Thanksgiving dinner instead of preparing the traditional family meal at home. Or go to the mountains and cut down your Christmas tree instead of buying one at the local big box store. Big or small, simple or elaborate — making new traditions is essential to helping your family acknowledge their new normal while keeping the memory of your loved one alive.  

Bringing your family together in these and other ways will not make your grief disappear or resolve all of the complex issues that the death of a family member brings about. But it can promote emotional intimacy and a sense of working towards similar goals, which can be healing in their own right.

Sources 

“Family Grief: Five Keys to Grieving Well Together”. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/201908/family-grief-five-keys-grieving-well-together 

Dealing with the grief of the children in your family while you, too, are grieving can be very hard. As you struggle with how to deal with their pain while managing your own, It may be helpful to understand how children in different age groups understand and process death. 

• Toddlers: Toddlers have no understanding of death and don’t grieve in the way that adults do. They do, however, pick up cues from those around them, and may feel unhappy, confused and afraid because everyone else is sad and upset. Tell your toddler the truth about what has happened (”Grandma has died and we won’t be able to see her anymore.”) Then reassure them that feeling sad is normal when you lose someone you love. They may not fully grasp what you mean, but it’s important to let them know that expressing their feelings — whatever they are — is okay.

• Preschoolers: Children between the ages of 4 and  6 have little understanding of what death is. They tend to view it as temporary and reversible and will have trouble grasping the idea that someone who has died is not coming back. At the same time, they will be aware of the loved one’s absence, and may blame themselves for making them disappear. Again, be honest with your child. Explain that death is a permanent condition, and what happened is no one’s fault. Your child may ask questions such as, “Am I going to die?” or “Are you going to die?” Offer a reassuring but truthful answer, such as “We are all going to die, but I plan on both of us being here for a long, long, time.”  

• School age children: Children between the ages of 6 and 12 gradually develop an understanding of death. They learn through their experiences (for example, seeing a dead bird or a dead insect) that death means the absence of life. Depending on your child’s age, you may need to help them understand this by explaining that the person who died can’t eat or drink or move around anymore. Allowing them to attend the visitation or funeral will reinforce this idea while also helping them understand that death is a natural part of life.

• Teenagers: Teenagers, as a rule, fully understand the concept of death (although they tend to view themselves as immune). Teens know that death is a permanent loss, and they grieve and mourn as deeply as adults. But because teens are working towards becoming emotionally independent, they may share their feelings more freely with their peers than with you. Know that this is normal, but make sure to check in regularly so your child knows that you’re there for them. 

Behavioral Changes in Grieving Children

Children, like adults, will react to the loss of a loved one in a number of ways, based both upon their personality and their age. However, certain types of behavior are common in children who have experienced a significant loss, and should be viewed as a sign that they are adapting to the loss as best they can. These include: 

• Trouble sleeping or nightmares. Younger children may want to sleep with a parent or older sibling for a while. 
• Physical complaints such as headaches, stomach aches and tiredness during the day
• Regression in learning or behavior, such as bedwetting in a previously potty-trained child or “clinging” to adults by a child who was previously outgoing and independent. 
• Acting out with behaviors such as temper tantrums, “talking back” or refusing to cooperate with bedtime routines. Teenagers may stop honoring curfews and cutting school.
• Withdrawal from friends and playmates, wanting to spend more time alone

Helping children mourn

Of course, there is more to helping your child deal with the death of a loved one than simply explaining what death means. All but the youngest of children will react emotionally in some way, and children who are old enough to understand the permanence of death will grieve their loss. Here are a few suggestions for helping them express, process and cope with their feelings during this time.

Talk to the child about their feelings

Have conversations with your child about your loved one’s death, and really listen to what they have to say. Talk openly about your feelings and encourage your child to do the same. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused, and allow them to express their feelings to you without trying to “fix” them or make them go away. Sometimes children are reluctant to share negative emotions with adults for fear of making a difficult situation worse. Let them know that the family is grieving together, and that strong emotions are part of that shared grief.

Answer questions honestly

Young children, in particular, may have many questions about your loved one’s death. They have little, if any, frame of reference for what is happening in their lives, and often lack the vocabulary to understand what they are being told. They may ask the same questions again and again: for example:

• Why did the person have to die?
• Where did they go?
• Why can’t they come back? 
• Am I going to die too? 

These questions can be hard to answer, especially while you are coping with your own grief. But it’s important to respond as honestly as you can, even if the answer is “I don’t know.” Your child, like you, is trying to make sense of a world that has irrevocably changed. They may need a great deal of reassurance before they can begin to feel that the world is a safe place again. 

Encourage creative expression

Many children lack the vocabulary and life experience to express how they feel in words, but are surprisingly adept at portraying grief through art. Artistic expression is a safe outlet for negative feelings. The child doesn’t have to think about how what they say will affect their parents or other adults, they just spontaneously create a piece of art. The results can be extraordinarily revealing about what is going on in the child’s mind and heart. 

To help your child express themselves through art, offer them age-appropriate options to work with. Younger children will usually enjoy drawing a picture with finger paints, crayons or watercolor markers. Older children may enjoy working with clay or making mosaics out of wood chips and glue. Some kids may also want to create a story or poem to accompany a piece of art, perhaps as a memorial for the person who died. 

Let the child to say goodbye

Americans have traditionally tried to shield children from death. Because of our own fears and discomfort around “the last taboo,”  we have kept children away from wakes, viewings and funerals without realizing that doing so denies them the ability and the right to say goodbye. Our attitudes are evolving, however, and we are beginning to understand that allowing children to participate in these rituals is an important part of helping them grieve. 

No matter what form of final disposition you choose for your loved one, find a way to allow your child to participate in remembering them. If your loved one was cremated, the child can take part  in an ash scattering ceremony, even if they are quite young. If you are planning a memorial or celebration of life, the child can make a bouquet of flowers to bring to the event, write a poem to read aloud, or create a picture of a happy memory they enjoyed with the person who died. 

When to Seek Professional Help 

Like adults, most children will eventually integrate and process the loss of a loved one if given adequate support and enough time to grieve. However, some children may have a harder time adapting and need the help of a professional to move through their grief. Although every child is different, some behaviors that may indicate your child needs more support include:

• Excessive sadness, crying, or emotional withdrawal 
• Increased expression of anger, frustration and/or rage 
• Inability to experience pleasure; avoiding interactions with family and friends
• Recurring or severe nightmares 
• Obsessive thoughts about the loved one’s death 
• Extreme weight loss or weight gain
• Slipping grades
• Severe mood swings
• Risk taking behaviors
• Self-harm (cutting, burning, pulling out hair)  
• Talk of suicide 

Additional resources for grieving children

Dealing with a child’s grief as you are mourning a loss is extraordinarily difficult, and you may find that you need additional help. Fortunately, there are a number of programs that work with grieving children that you can explore.

Camp Erin — Part of the Eluna network, Camp Erin is a nationwide network of 37 camps that offers weekend grief retreats for children between the age of 6 and 17. The program is offered free of charge and is led by trained grief counselors and volunteers.

The Dougy Center — Founded in 1982, the Dougy Center is based in Portland, Oregon, and offers open-ended peer support groups for grieving children and teens. Groups are scheduled every other week and divided by age, and the relationship of the grieving child to the person who died and the cause of death (illness, sudden death, murder, suicide).  

National Alliance for Grieving Children is a nonprofit organization that raises awareness of the needs of grieving children and teens. Its website provides a list of non-vetted grief support groups in all 50 states as well as numerous resources for families dealing with loss and bereavement. 

The Alcove Center for Grieving Children and Families Founded in 2001 by therapists Pat Smith and Mindy Shemtov, the Alcove is located in Northfield, New Jersey, and offers peer support groups for children and teens as well as grief support groups for adults. 

Children and Families First: With offices throughout the State of Delaware, CFF provides support and assistance to children and families dealing with adversity, including those impacted by the loss of a parent or sibling. 

Sources

“A Child’s Concept of Death”. Stanford Medicine. https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=a-childs-concept-of-death-90-P03044 

“Helping Children Manage Uncertainty, Loss, and Grief”. American Cancer Society. https://www.cancer.org/cancer/caregivers/helping-children-when-a-family-member-has-cancer/dealing-with-parents-terminal-illness.html 

Children and adolescents tend to understand and process grief in unique ways compared to adults since the understanding of death and loss relies greatly on emotional and cognitive development. As children continue to develop, their comprehension and beliefs regarding death begin to change. Children ages 3 to 5 have difficulty understanding the permanence of death and although their comprehension of death begins to grow between the ages of 5 to 9, they often have difficulty understanding that death can happen to anyone, including friends and family. Despite their limited understanding, children may exhibit grief responses in behavior changes such as clinging, regression, or loss of interest in activities. Other potential responses can include: 

• Imitating the person who died 
• Difficulty sleeping 
• Loss of appetite 
• Fear of being alone 
• Withdrawing from spending time with friends 
• A decline in academic performance or refusal to attend school
• Stating they want to be with the person who died 
• Stating they are seeing or talking to the person who died 

Adolescents understand and process grief differently since their level of emotional and cognitive development is actively starting to align with the comprehension levels expected of adults. Adolescents typically understand that death is permanent, but may sometimes utilize more imaginative thinking as a coping mechanism. They often experience intense and deep emotions following a loss but may avoid openly grieving or sharing their feelings. Adolescents tend to avoid displaying their vulnerability, especially if they are taking the role of a supportive friend or family member. Common grief responses among adolescents can include: 

• Disbelief that that loss happened 
• Emotional outbursts and/or crying 
• Mood swings 
• Difficulty concentrating 
• Talking with the person who died in special or meaningful places 
• Difficulty sleeping 
• Imitating the person who died
• Regression 
• Bed-wetting 
• Repetition of stories and memories about the person who died 
• Feeling intense anger and guilt 
• Lashing out at others 
• Loss of appetite or the sensation of feeling empty 
• A sensation of tightness the throat or heaviness in the chest

Naturally, not all children and adolescents will process or understand death in the same way, so it’s important to monitor your child’s behavior and address issues that arise as they occur. Additionally, if you believe a child needs help coping with a loss, you may wish to reach out to a mental health professional who specializes in helping children and adolescents cope with difficult life experiences, including loss and grief. 

Sources

“Grief and Children”. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Grief-008.aspx 

“Experiencing Grief as a Teenager”. VITAS Healthcare. https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/grief-and-bereavement/children-and-grief/experiencing-grief-as-a-teenager