26 Humorous Quotes About Death and Mortality

Delivering levity and a little dark humor to lighten up end-of-life

The subjects of death and mortality get their fair share of the serious treatment day by day (heck, we even do it on this blog). But, just as a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, a little dose of humor is a winning salve for confronting a part of life that many find uncomfortable or frightening. Death is a great equalizer — and to that end, almost everyone’s got something to say about it.

For deadly quips and funny quotes from authors, comedians, playwrights, and more, read on.

1. “When you’re invited for tea and death is on the menu…”

– Anonymous

2. “Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

– Oscar Wilde

3. “Time is the best teacher, unfortunately, it kills all of its students.”

– Robin Williams

4. “Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying.”

– Unknown

5. “The living are just the dead on holiday.”

– Maurice Maeterlinck

6. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

– Woody Allen

7. “The fear of death is why we build cathedrals, have children, declare war and watch cat videos online at 3 a.m.”

– Caitlin Doughty

8. “We all have to die someday, if we live long enough.”

– Dave Farber

9. “Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.”

– John Barrymore

10. “Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table’s ready.’”

– Robin Williams

11. “I am incapable of conceiving infinity, and yet I do not accept finity. I want this adventure that is the context of my life to go on without end.”

– Simone de Beauvoir

12. “I sure will be glad when scientists discover a cure for ‘natural causes.”

– Anonymous

13. “Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.”

– Italian Proverb

14. “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

– Mark Twain

15. “I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.”

– Bob Monkhouse

16. “I hope to arrive to my death, late, in love, and a little drunk.”

– Atticus

17. “The meaning of life is that it stops.”

– Franz Kafta

18. “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”

– George Bernard Shaw

19. “At my age, flowers scare me.”

– George Burns

20. “I do not fear death. I resent it. Everything must die, apparently, and I am no exception. But I want to be consulted. You know what I mean? Death is impatient and thoughtless. It barges into your room when you are right in the middle of something, and it doesn’t bother to wipe its boots.”

– Tom Robbins

21. “He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.”

– H.H. Munro

22. “There are three natural anesthetics: sleep, fainting, and death.”

– Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

23. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

– Groucho Marx

24. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”

– Woody Allen

25. “Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.”

– J.C. Furnas

26. “My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, ‘If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?’ I said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘Okay, forget it.”

– Steven Wright