Eulogies, Music, & Keepsakes for Funerals

Ideally, your loved one made the choice of who they would like to give the eulogy at their funeral before they died. But if this wasn’t the case, the decision is generally left to the surviving spouse or next of kin. Depending on how many people are willing and/or able to speak, this might be a difficult or a relatively easy task. 

If you’re planning a religious funeral, a member of the clergy will typically give a eulogy during the formal service. This is common practice in many religions: A priest, rabbi or imam will address the congregation and talk about the role of faith in the life of the person who died, as well as ways in which faith can provide comfort to the bereaved. If the eulogist knew the person who died, they may also share stories about their life and discuss the values that meant the most to them. If the person who died was a relative stranger, they will usually ask family and friends for information about their loved one so they can deliver a eulogy that is personal and sincere. 

In addition to a member of the clergy, you may want to ask friends or family members of the person who died to speak at the funeral as well. In this case, you will want to choose someone who knew the person very well — a close friend, a parent or a sibling is usually a good choice. One of the person’s children may also wish to speak. Children have a different perspective on their parents’ lives than those who have known them for many years, but their reflections can be very meaningful nonetheless. If the person who died had an adult grandchild to whom he was particularly close, they may also wish to speak. You might also consider a mentor or work colleague if the person who died was still employed and had strong relationships at their job. (This is often the case with public servants such as police officers and firefighters.)

In any event, you should ask the person you would like to deliver the eulogy if they are comfortable doing so before making a final choice. Speaking in public is very difficult for some people; in fact, the fear of public speaking is so common that it even has a medical name, glossophobia. So make sure to check in with your choice for a eulogist to ensure they’re up to the task. 

Sources

“Glossophobia”. Psycom. https://www.psycom.net/glossophobia-fear-of-public-speaking 

Writing and delivering a eulogy are painful tasks. You have just lost someone you love, and it may be hard to get past your emotions and organize your thoughts. But if you follow a few simple steps and listen to your heart, the content should flow fairly easily. 

Start with an understanding of what a eulogy is — a tribute to a person’s life. According to Theodore Lustig, a distinguished member of Toastmasters International (an organization that teaches and provides opportunities for public speaking), a eulogy should not be a chronology of a person’s life. Rather, it should be a brief, heartfelt reflection on the kind of human being the person was. What gave their life meaning? What did they value? What did they love to do? Where did their life have the most impact, and why? What made them laugh? Starting with these questions will help you hone in on what you would like to say. 

Another helpful tactic is to think about your relationship with the person who died and what their presence in your life meant to you. Was this person a mentor; a colleague; a “rock” in hard times? Was he or she your soulmate, or a person you could always count on to make you laugh? Write down some memories that shine a bright light on the qualities that you valued most. Including these kinds of personal anecdotes in your eulogy will make it more impactful and sincere. 

Once you have some general ideas and bullet points, organize your speech. Writing it out in its entirety may help you remember what you want to say. But when the time comes, use notes. You don’t want to sound like you’re reading from a script. 

Lastly, don’t be afraid to show emotion when you speak. If you were close enough to the person who died to be chosen to deliver the eulogy, you will be hurt after their death. If you start to feel overwhelmed, stop for a moment and take a deep breath. If you feel tears coming, let them out. Remember, no one at the service is there to judge your speaking skills. They are there, just as you are, to honor the person you all loved. 

“About Toastmasters”. Toastmasters. https://www.toastmasters.org/about 

The types of funeral and memorial services people are choosing to hold for their loved ones have evolved over the past decade, and so, too, has the kind of eulogies they choose to give. Once a solemn speech given by a member of the clergy or a family member of the person who died, eulogies today are as varied as the people delivering them. Many families are choosing to have a number of speakers, each of whom offers their own unique perspective on the loved one’s life. This allows for a long list of different “takes” on the traditional eulogy, as is apparent from the many ways to approach a eulogy shown below. 

• Read lyrics from a song that had special meaning to your loved one. You can even sing the song if you’re so inclined. Check out our Healing Library for song lyrics to express your feelings.
• Read a poem that your loved one liked, or one that reminds you of them. Our SevenPonds Healing Library has a selection of poems perfect for a eulogy.
• Tell a funny story about the person being celebrated that highlights something unique about their personality.
• Read a letter the person being celebrated wrote to you.
• Write a letter to the person being honored, and read it aloud.
• Bring a meaningful object (souvenir from a trip, a gift received, something they made), and talk about the memories it sparks in you.
• Bring along a laptop to project on photos or videos on a wall of special moments with your loved one, and talk about what they mean to you
• Start with one of the loved one’s favorite quotes and talk about why they thought it was important or valuable.
• Wear an item of clothing that was important to the person being celebrated and talk about what it meant to them and why.
• If the person being honored was fond of humor, start the eulogy with their favorite joke and sprinkle some humor throughout your talk.
• Show items they handmade as their hobby or profession to explain the passion they had for the subject matter. 

Most importantly, a eulogy should be an honest and heartfelt reflection on the life of the person who died, and not just what they did, but who they were. Any ideas you have that help others recall the true essence of your loved one are bound to make your eulogy a success. 

Sources 

“What is a eulogy?” https://www.legacy.com/advice/what-is-a-eulogy/ 

When planning music for a funeral or memorial service, your most important consideration should be to choose music that reflects the taste and personality of the person who died. 

Did they love rock and roll or R&B? Then it makes sense to start your search for appropriate music in that genre. If they preferred country music, then start your search there. 

If you’re not sure about the musical preferences of the person who died, ask their friends and family members what kind of music they liked. Most musical genres offer all kinds of songs, from melancholy to uplifting and anything in between. You may also want to search the music catalog of their favorite artist to get a sense of the tone you’d like to set. Someone who loved listening to Adele, for example, would probably prefer more reflective music choices than someone whose favorite band was The Rolling Stones. 

Think, too, about the type of service you’re planning to have. If you’re holding a formal funeral service at a place of worship, you should probably choose more subdued music than if you’re planning a DeParty or celebration of life at a restaurant or in your home. Similarly, you would most likely choose different music for a joyful life celebration held a year after a person’s death than a funeral held shortly after they died. 

If you’re feeling stumped, visit our Healing Library for a selection of Healing Music that will almost certainly inspire a playlist that reflects the essence of the person who died. And if for some reason you don’t find what you’re looking for there, here are a few more suggestions that may resonate with you. 

Traditional Funeral Songs

Amazing Grace by Judy Collins

Hallelujah Instrumental by Roy & Rosemary

Ave Maria by Josh Groban

Will the Circle Be Unbroken by Joan Baez

You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban

Memorial Songs with a Modern Twist

Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd

In My Life by The Beatles

I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Uplifting Songs for a Life Celebration

We Are the Champions by Queen

Don’t Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles

The Weight by The Band

You may also want to consider hiring someone to perform live music at the event. Many mourners find the sound of harp music or acoustic guitars especially soothing. You may also hire a singer to perform some of your loved one’s most beloved songs. This may also be an appropriate time to include young people in the service and invite them to perform a song, but only if they are very comfortable doing so.

Giving a keepsake gift to friends and family who attend a memorial service isn’t strictly necessary. But if you have the financial and emotional wherewithal, it is a lovely gesture that your guests will certainly be thankful for. They need not be expensive or elaborate. Small keepsakes that reflect some aspect of the life or personality of the person who died are usually appreciated the most. Take some time to think about your loved one and what they would want their guests to receive, and the ideas will begin to flow. 

If you’re still feeling stuck or in need some direction, here are a few ideas

• Small saplings that your guests can plant and nurture as they grow
• Memorial jewelry —  this can be engraved with a saying and your loved one’s name. Some keepsake jewelry will hold a small amount of the loved one’s ashes as well. 
• Memorial coins engraved with an inspiring quote and the loved one’s name
• A memorial snow globe
• A personalized memorial garden stake and a packet of wildflower seeds
• A photo portrait of the person who died
• A coffee mug or tea cup engraved with the name of the person who died
• A bud vase engraved with the name of the person who died
• A potted plant. Use the plants to decorate for the service and give them to your guests afterwards 
• A hurricane lantern engraved with the loved one’s name and dates of birth and death
• A personalized bookmark with a poem or inspirational saying and the loved one’s name
• A photo frame containing a picture of your loved one 
• A handkerchief embroidered with your loved one’s name and dates of birth and death
• A book of poems with the loved one’s name written inside
• A candle and a book of matches adorned with the loved one’s name

If your loved one had a large collection of items, such as books, albums or other collectibles, you may want to invite each attendee to select one of the items in remembrance. Think carefully before doing so to ensure you are ready to part with these items. If you have some time, you can also make jewelry from the flowers you displayed at your memorial service. To learn how, check out this article from SevenPonds.

Sources

“Cremation Jewelry for Men and Women”. Jewelry Keepsakes. https://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/cremation-jewelry/ 

A casket saddle is a floral centerpiece composed of a foam substrate and an adjustable base for stabilization purposes. It is intended to be used for a floral arrangement that can be secured to the top of a casket, although there are a variety of saddles that can be used in other scenarios, such as cemetery or headstone saddles that are used with headstones. The foam in the casket saddle stabilizes the flowers in the arrangement and keeps them hydrated throughout the funeral. 

Flower arrangements such as casket sprays can be placed on a casket without a casket saddle, but are typically less secure. Most individuals will purchase a pre-made casket saddle with an arrangement for convenience and ease of use. However, it is possible to make your own casket saddle if you are comfortable with forming the base and creating your own floral arrangement. 

It is important to note that while most casket saddles showcase fresh floral arrangements, you can use artificial flowers instead of fresh flowers to minimize expenses. Using artificial flowers eliminates the need for floral foam to maintain hydration, which means that you can choose to use less expensive regular foam or basic styrofoam. Rubber or silicone can be added to the bottom of the casket saddle base to ensure it will remain sturdy and won’t shift around easily once it is placed on top of the casket.

Creating your own casket saddle is a meaningful way to customize the components of a funeral further and reduce expenses. Using a casket saddle arranged by a professional can provide an equally impressive display for honoring your loved one as well. Ultimately, the decision to use a casket saddle, whether pre-made or personalized, is a matter of preference.

Sources 

“How to Make a Headstone Saddle”. HubPages. https://discover.hubpages.com/art/How-To-Make-a-Gravestone-Flower-Arrangement-The-Saddle 

“What is a Casket Saddle Used For?”. Titan Casket. https://titancasket.com/blogs/funeral-guides-and-more/what-is-a-casket-saddle-used-for 

A relatively simple way for people who can’t attend the funeral to watch it online, live streaming a funeral can be as simple as setting up a smartphone in a tripod. You can then use the “Live” feature on social media platforms like Facebook, YouTube or Instagram, and viewers will be able to see the proceedings in real time. (Just be sure to share the name of the account that will be streaming with the potential attendees). 

If you’d like to do an interactive live stream of the funeral, where online attendees can converse with each other and speak to those at the funeral (or at least, the device at the funeral where the stream is originating), opt for a web-based service like Zoom or Skype. With these services, you can host a group meeting or video chat with up to thousands of participants, though for groups of over 100 there may be fees required. The simplest way to do this would be to set up a laptop with a built-in camera so that the funeral proceedings are visible to the participants. 

If the live stream is a significant part of the funeral, you can opt to connect the phone or computer to a large display and connect the audio to speakers. Depending on the funeral venue, there are likely staff who can help you with audio/visual needs. Most funeral homes are equipped to manage the live-streaming for you.

If you choose to set up a live stream on your own, be aware of the limitations of cameras and microphones on phones and laptops, which may not offer a quality video/audio experience for the people watching. Testing your equipment in advance is always a good idea.

To live stream a funeral, you typically need the following:

• Laptop or smartphone (the “streaming device”)
• Tripod or desk for the streaming device
• “Live”-capable social media like Instagram, YouTube or Facebook, or a group video service like Zoom or Skype

And for a larger-scale live stream: 

• Large monitor/display for in-person funeral attendees to better interact with virtual attendees
• Audio System — can include speakers and microphones
• Cables and Adapters — you may need an HDMI cable or other adapters to connect the streaming device to the monitor and/or audio system

Sources 

Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/formedia/tools/facebook-live 

YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/live 

Instagram. https://creators.instagram.com/live?locale=en_US 

Zoom. https://zoom.us/ 

Skype. https://www.skype.com/en/features/group-video-chat/ 

A drive-thru funeral allows attendees to drive past a designated area to view the casket or urn of the person who died. Attendees have the option of remaining inside their vehicles or standing directly outside of them to participate in the viewing. Some drive-thru funerals include a live video stream of the person who died, while others opt to only use a photograph of the individual instead. As attendees drive by, they can pay their respects, sometimes within a specified time limit. Attendees of a drive-thru funeral have minimal to no interaction with anyone else during this process but may sign a guestbook prior to leaving or drop off a condolence card. 

Drive-thru funerals became noticeably popular during the COVID-19 pandemic as a result of social distancing and limitations on audience sizes for events or gatherings. Allowing attendees to stay within their vehicles provided a safe alternative to traditional funeral practices while providing attendees an opportunity to pay their respects in a manner that aligned with public health guidelines in effect at the time. After the pandemic, drive-thru funerals became less common as most attendees reverted to traditional funeral services. 

A potential drawback of drive-thru funerals is that they can seem impersonal due to the lack of direct interaction with other individuals and less proximity to the person who died. However, they serve as a practical alternative for honoring the person who died, showing support and solidarity to their family, and attaining a sense of closure from the loss. Additionally, drive-thru funerals reflect recognition of the importance of sharing condolences, as well as our ability to adapt common rituals and practices to changing conditions in order to honor those who have died. 

Sources 

“Welcome to the Age of the Drive-Thru Funeral—Is It Here To Stay?” Funeral Wise. https://www.funeralwise.com/digital-dying/welcome-to-the-age-of-the-drive-thru-funeral-is-it-here-to-stay/ 

“What is a Drive Thru Funeral?” Titan Casket. https://titancasket.com/blogs/funeral-guides-and-more/why-and-where-do-drive-thru-funerals-exist