Sudden & Traumatic Loss

When a death is sudden or traumatic, such as one that is violent, shocking, or untimely, the bereavement process can be more complex. Traumatic grief is the intense and overwhelming response to these deaths. Often, sudden and traumatic losses will shatter our fundamental beliefs and assumptions about safety, predictability, and justice in the world around us. As an example, the death of a child at any age and from any cause is usually considered to be a traumatic loss and often violates the expected order of life. Other circumstances commonly associated with this kind of loss include deaths by suicide, homicide, fatal accidents, war, natural disasters, and terrorism. 

Due to the nature of such deaths, these losses can interfere with an individual’s ability to cope and may cause them to feel ‘stuck’ in a cycle of grief and trauma. Traumatic grief is sometimes associated with Prolonged Grief Disorder, but not always. A common myth is that certain symptoms like changes in appetite or nightmares, are generic to all types of grief and are not indicators of something more severe. However, in the context of a sudden and traumatic loss, symptoms can be particularly telling. Intense emotional pain may manifest physically, which means that a change in appetite might not just be a sign of grief but an indicator of deeper physiological dysregulation caused by the shock associated with the loss. Similarly, nightmares may not be at random, but rather, they can be a vivid re-experiencing of the circumstances surrounding the death. Recognizing these as potential components of a traumatic grief reaction can be instrumental in recognizing when it’s time to seek help. Other indicators to be mindful of include: 

• Preoccupation: Being consumed with thoughts or memories of the person who died to the extent that it interferes with daily functioning. This can include intrusive thoughts or ruminating about the circumstances surrounding the loss. 
  
• Separation Distress: Experiencing intense yearning and longing for the person who died. Sometimes this may also manifest as feeling that life is meaningless or empty after the loss occurred. 
  
• Physical Pain: Experiencing pain in the same area of the body where the person who died suffered an injury or an illness. This is sometimes referred to as identification pain and some experts consider it to be reflective of a deeper psychological connection to the trauma of the loss.
  
• Sensory Hallucinations: Seeing the person who died or believing that their voice is being heard despite their death, sometimes to the point of disorientation. 
  
• Intense Loneliness and Envy: A sense of being completely alone in the world now that the person has died. This is sometimes accompanied by the envy of others who have not experienced such losses.
  
• Emotional Numbness and Difficulty Trusting: Feeling detached, stunned, or unable to experience happiness and joy. Some people develop an intense distrust of others or may struggle with caring about other people. This can also lead to social isolation over time. 
  
• Survivor’s Guilt: Feeling guilty or experiencing self-blame, often questioning why the person who died didn’t survive and whether other actions could have been taken to prevent the sudden and traumatic death. Some people may also feel that it is unfair to continue living in the absence of the person who died.
  
• Disbelief and Anger: Experiencing disorientation or disbelief after the loss has occurred. Disbelief is often common when the nature of the death has made it impossible to recover the body for viewing purposes. Intense anger about the death or circumstances surrounding the death is also common. 
  
• Avoidance and Attraction: Having a strong need to avoid anything that may possibly be a reminder of the reality of the loss, or alternatively, feeling an intense draw towards places or things that are a reminder of the person who died.

Traumatic grief is not a sign of weakness and experiencing it does not mean that someone is broken. Navigating trauma can be very difficult, but it is important to understand that the pain doesn’t have to be a permanent state of being. One of the most important steps that anyone can take after experiencing a sudden or traumatic loss is to recognize the need for support and seek help from appropriate sources. 

Anyone who believes they are experiencing traumatic grief or who knows someone who is should consider seeking help from a qualified mental health professional. General therapy is not always equipped to provide the level of support often necessary for sudden and traumatic loss, so finding a therapist who specializes in grief and trauma is recommended. There are also specialized therapeutic interventions which have been shown to be highly effective in processing sudden and traumatic loss. These include: 

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 
• Cognitive Processing Therapy 
• Brief Eclectic Psychotherapy 
  

Outside of professional therapy, holistic practices can also be immensely helpful. Whether seeking formal therapeutic treatments, holistic approaches, or a combination of both, it is important to understand the intent behind these decisions. The goal is not to ‘move on’ from the loss, which can feel dismissive of pain or like a betrayal of the person who died. Instead, the intent is to learn how to integrate loss into a life that can still hold meaning. Integration allows for a continued, healthy bond where the relationship has transitioned from physical presence to an enduring connection through legacy and memories. Some common strategies for this include: 

• Peer Support Groups: Connecting with other people who have experienced similar sudden and traumatic losses. This reduces isolation and is helpful in forming a new social circle of people who understand the unique challenges that emerge following these losses. 
  
• Grounding Self-Care: The overall toll of experiencing sudden and traumatic loss is often immense. Practicing basic self-care through nutrition, hydration, maintaining sleep routines, and physical activity can be helpful in emotional regulation. Rhythmic breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation are other methods can help counteract the physiological effects of panic and dysregulation caused by loss.
  
• Grief Rituals and Memorial Activities: Maintaining a bond with the person who died is a vital part of integrating the loss into a meaningful life. This can involve creating personal rituals such as lighting candles on an anniversary, visiting a meaningful pace, or participating in memorials. 

Moving forward after a sudden and traumatic loss is a gradual and deeply personal process. It involves learning to carry the pain of the loss, navigating through the trauma, and trying to find a pathway towards a restructured meaningful existence when faced with a reality that feels impossible to accept.

Sources

“What is Traumatic Grief?” Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/traumatic-grief 

“Traumatic Grief: How to Cope & When to Get Help”. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/traumatic-grief/ 

Grieving the loss of a child is a long, difficult journey. Like all mourners, bereaved parents are in terrible pain and very often feel guilty because they were unable to protect their child from whatever caused their death. A parent’s role is to keep their children out of harm’s way. So, no matter the circumstances, not doing so feels like the worst kind of failure. Even middle-aged to older parents who lose children in their 20s, 30s, and 40s and older suffer a great deal of guilt and self-blame. 

Losing a child is not as uncommon an occurrence as one might think. Although children between the ages of 1 and 14 account for less than 5% of total deaths in the U.S., the rate of suicide in young people ages 10 to 24 tripled between 2007 and 2017. And while the number of children killed in car crashes has been decreasing steadily over the past few decades, the number of young people who fell victim to homicide or drug overdose has skyrocketed in recent years. Add to this the number of adult children who die before one or both parents, and the percentage of parents who outlive their children is surprisingly quite high. According to the nonprofit Evermore, an estimated 19% of adults in the U.S. have lost at least one child. 

In addition to feelings of guilt and self-recrimination, parents who are grieving the loss of a child experience many intense emotions, including sadness, regret, helplessness, hopelessness and, sometimes,a wish to die. Anger is also a very common response to the death of a child: Children aren’t “supposed to” die, and grieving parents will often look for someone to blame. It’s not uncommon for parents to blame each other, the medical team, God, or themselves. Self-blame is particularly difficult because it can easily lead to feelings of worthlessness, shame and thoughts of self-harm. 

Social isolation is also a common outcome after a child dies. Our grief-averse culture does not have a good framework for supporting families of children who have died. People don’t know how to respond,  so they stay away or resort to tired platitudes that do nothing to comfort the grieving family. Marriages and partnerships often fracture under the strain. 

Nor are parents the only people who are deeply affected by a child’s death. Grandparents suffer as well, grieving not only for the child who died but for the suffering of their own child. Siblings, who are very often forgotten in the aftermath of the death, also grieve, although they may not show their grief in ways that parents recognize. For instance, a toddler who was previously potty trained might start wetting the bed again, or a well-behaved teenager might suddenly begin breaking curfew and skipping school. 

Children who lose a sibling may also suffer from survivor’s guilt and even blame themselves for their brother’s or sister’s death. And, like adults, they may feel guilty if their last interactions with that sibling were negative or unpleasant.  For all these reasons and more, families who have lost a child often need ongoing counseling for many years after a child’s death. 

Sources

“Parental Bereavement during Mid-to-Later Life: Pre-to-Post-Bereavement Functioning and Intrapersonal Resources for Coping”. National Library of Medicine. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3556368/ 

“Suicides by drug overdose increased among young people, elderly people, and Black women, despite overall downward trend”. National Institute on Drug Abuse. https://archives.nida.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/2022/02/suicides-by-drug-overdose-increased-among-young-people-elderly-people-and-black-women-despite-overall-downward-trend 

“Grief & Bereavement Key Facts”. Evermore. https://evermore.org/key-bereavement-facts/ 

“What Everybody Should Know about Survivor’s Guilt”. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201801/what-everybody-should-know-about-survivors-guilt 

Coping with grief after a violent death is a uniquely challenging and complex experience, distinct from anticipated or natural loss. While the journey is deeply personal, certain strategies such as setting firm boundaries, intentional sharing, and establishing meaningful rituals may encourage healing. A violent death, which includes homicide, suicide, accident, or drug overdose, is typically sudden, traumatic, and often involves an ongoing investigation or public scrutiny. Those navigating this grief may be flooded with overwhelming emotions: anger, confusion, shock, disbelief, fear, guilt, regret, or profound shame. They may also struggle with intrusive reliving of the events, flashbacks, and persistent nightmares.

Setting boundaries is a vital, non-negotiable strategy early in the grief process to mitigate the risk of re-traumatization. Interactions with well-meaning loved ones, law enforcement officials, or news media can inadvertently trigger reminders or force a retelling of the death’s specifics, intensifying emotional distress. By clearly defining what you are willing to discuss and when you feel most prepared to engage, you reclaim a measure of control. This practice can help reduce the spikes of anger, hopelessness, or fear that often accompany unsolicited inquiries.

Sharing your feelings remains a cornerstone of coping, but the how and with whom matters immensely. While many benefit from connecting with trusted friends or family, the stigma associated with violent death can make such disclosures feel impossible. Support groups or bereavement camps specifically designed for survivors of traumatic loss provide a crucial alternative: a space where the cause of death doesn’t need to be explained or justified. For those who value privacy, consistent journaling offers a safe container to untangle complex emotions and articulate thoughts that may feel too raw for verbal expression.

Establishing rituals to honor the deceased is another powerful form of coping. Because traumatic grief tends to fixate the mind on the final moments of death, creating rituals allows the bereaved to regain a sense of agency. Rituals actively shift the narrative away from how the person died toward how they lived and who they were. Whether public or private, these acts restore a positive, meaningful connection to the loved one’s memory. Due to the highly personal nature of grief, it is crucial to understand that you may need to create rituals unique to your loss; your strategies for coping and incorporation of these rituals will likely look different in comparison to others, and that’s OK. However, if the weight of the grief becomes immobilizing or symptoms of trauma become overwhelming, seeking professional guidance from a therapist who specializes in traumatic grief is highly recommended.

Sources

“Violent Death”. The Centre for the Grief Journey. https://griefjourney.com/article-library/violent-death/ 

“As Suicide Rates Rise, Bereavement Camps Bring Healing to Kids Left Behind”. Time. https://time.com/6286420/suicide-bereavement-camps-kids/

“Grief Journaling: Unlock Solace and Peace in Just a Few Minutes a Day”. Heather Stang. https://heatherstang.com/grief-journaling/# 

The loss of a twin or triplet is a complex and intense experience that is distinct from the experience of losing any other sibling. Twins, triplets, and multiples share a deep bond that is often foundational to identity. Consequently, the death of a twin or a triplet can leave the survivor feeling as though they have lost part of themselves.

Survivors often articulate a persistent, gnawing sense of incompleteness or an “alone in the crowd” loneliness that persists even when surrounded by friends or family. While survivor’s guilt is common in sibling loss, it is often magnified for twins due to their inherent similarities and shared history. Existential questioning, such as “Why them and not me, when we were so much the same?”, can significantly increase the intensity and duration of grief, especially among twins or triplets. The pain is frequently compounded when outsiders mistake the survivor for the deceased or comment on their resemblance, forcing the survivor into a state of constant correction.

Some people are never aware of their status as a twin, triplet, or multiple until adulthood. This is most common when the death occurred during pregnancy or infancy, leaving the survivor with no conscious memory of the sibling. Learning of this lost counterpart can cause an intense identity crisis, as the survivor often begins to rewrite and examine their life narrative; such an example can be found among those who believe themselves to be “only” children, only to later discover that they are “twinless” twins who now experience the grief of a relationship that was never fully realized. The secrecy surrounding such losses often complicates the grief with feelings of betrayal or confusion toward family members.

Furthermore, somatic and behavioral responses are unique among those affected by this type of loss. Some survivors report experiencing phantom pains corresponding to the fatal injury or illness of the person who died. An intense sense of isolation often prevails since some survivors feel that other people don’t fully understand the depth of this type of loss. For these individuals, connecting with specialized communities, such as support groups for “twinless twins,” is essential, as shared language and experience are uniquely validating. Additionally, working with mental health professionals who understand the distinct dynamics of twin or triplet bereavement is strongly recommended, as such a traumatic loss can quickly escalate into complex trauma. Consistent support and guidance can help survivors know that although this loss forever alters the shape of their identity, they can learn how to carry their bond forward and integrate it into their lives.

Sources

“My twin died, I survived”. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/20/my-twin-died-i-survived 

Secondary loss refers to the psychological, emotional, and social challenges that may follow after an initial loss, which is referred to as a primary loss. These secondary losses may happen immediately after a death or may gradually emerge over time. Like primary losses, secondary losses can disrupt and affect various aspects of someone’s life such as their sense of identity or their relationships with other people.

The term “secondary” does not mean that the loss is any less intense or meaningful in than the primary loss, but refers to the experience in relation to the initial or primary loss instead. Although primary losses often cause significant life changes, secondary losses can be equally powerful and painful to navigate. For example, the death of a partner would be considered a primary loss, but the loss of companionship and the ability to achieve shared goals together would be considered secondary losses. The experience of navigating a new identity in the absence of one’s partner would be another secondary loss. Examples of secondary loss can include:

• Loss of identity 
• Loss of faith
• Loss of financial independence
• Loss of companionship 
• Loss of support system
• Loss of shared dreams or goals 
• Loss of confidence 
• Loss of safety or security
• Loss of purpose or direction
• Loss of family structure 

Sometimes secondary loss can also present as disenfranchised loss or ambiguous loss. This can occur when other individuals don’t recognize the experiences or burdens as a type of loss and fail to properly acknowledge them or validate the emotions associated with grieving over them. In those instances, secondary loss is also disenfranchised loss. Similarly, sometimes individuals who are actively navigating secondary loss don’t recognize these experiences or psychological and emotional burdens as losses. They may also feel uncertain if they should even experience feelings of grief and sadness over these experiences. This is a secondary loss that also presents as ambiguous loss. 

Secondary losses illustrate the multifaceted nature of grief and loss, as well as the immense value of resilience among bereaved individuals. It is crucial to acknowledge secondary losses in the grieving process since they can influence each individual’s ability to cope. Finally, understanding secondary losses can make it easier to help bereaved individuals find appropriate resources and suitable support in their journey towards healing their grief.

Sources 

“Distinguishing Primary and Secondary Loss”. Grief Journey. Retrieved from https://griefjourney.com/startjourney/when-you-are-grieving/distinguishing-primary-and-secondary-loss/ 

“A Deep Dive Into Secondary Loss”. What’s Your Grief? Retrieved from https://whatsyourgrief.com/a-deep-dive-into-secondary-loss/ 

Common pathways for coping after experiencing suicide loss include joining specialized support groups, prioritizing self-care, seeking mental health support, and connecting with people in your support system, such as friends or family. It is important to remember that grief is not a linear process; everyone’s grief experience is different, and the “right” coping mechanism is the one that honors your individual needs in the moment. Suicide losses are deeply personal and often traumatic, layered with social stigma and many unanswered questions. Being patient with yourself and allowing yourself to process what has happened at a pace that feels safe for you, rather than being rushed by others, can make it easier to implement sustainable coping strategies over time.

Sharing your emotions with friends, family, and community members who knew the person who died can provide connection through shared reality and validation. However, the grief of suicide is often accompanied by judgment from others who don’t understand or feel obligated to protect others from painful details. Keeping intense emotions and thoughts about the loss can complicate the grieving process, yet at the same time, many who have experienced suicide loss tend to state that they have to choose confidants wisely. Negative reactions from those who don’t understand what it’s like to lose someone to suicide often don’t realize that their responses (or lack thereof) make the experience even more isolating. If you feel that you cannot speak openly about your grief without worrying about the reactions of others, joining a survivor support group is often an invaluable alternative. These groups provide a safe space through shared experiences and mutual understanding in navigating the path and challenges associated with suicide loss.

For those who find groups to be too public an experience for a private loss, individual counseling and therapy can provide a more confidential, judgment-free container for exploring emotions. Working with a mental health professional who specializes in traumatic grief or suicide bereavement can be particularly beneficial, especially for those who often find themselves ruminating on reasons why or blaming themselves for the death. Professional support is often recommended when trying to navigate suicide-specific guilt, like the persistent and upsetting belief that one should have seen the signs or that they could have somehow prevented the outcome. Therapeutic interventions can also help reframe the story of the loss from one of failure or blame to one of complex illness.

Remembering to take care of yourself and prioritize your needs can be difficult when you are grieving, but it is essential for your own survival. The intensity of grief often makes preparing a meal or taking a shower feel like an overwhelming or tiring task. Establishing a minimal, flexible routine can make it easier to ground the body; consider taking a short walk, sitting outside for five minutes, or eating small nourishing snacks to fit basic moments of care into difficult days. These brief acts of physical maintenance can help you slowly rebuild resilience and support your overall well-being throughout your grief journey.

Sources

“Coping After Suicide Loss”. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/suicide/coping-tips.pdf 

“Suicide Grief: Coping with a Loved One’s Suicide”. HelpGuide. https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/coping-with-a-loved-ones-suicide 

“The Importance of Self-Care for Suicide Loss Survivors”. Samaritans. https://samaritanshope.org/resources/the-importance-of-self-care-for-suicide-loss-survivors/ 

First, please understand that feeling sad after a miscarriage, abortion, or stillbirth is completely natural and in fact, all your feelings following this experience are valid. Emotions may swing from grief to relief to guilt and beyond — this can be a very traumatic experience and you are allowed to feel however you do. When it comes to feelings of grief after pregnancy or infant loss, it’s important to be gentle with yourself and allow time and space for the processing of your emotions. 

It’s also helpful to remember there’s no one-size-fits-all, “right” or “wrong” approach to dealing with grief. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. While some may find comfort in talking openly about the loss, others might prefer to process it on their own or with a few close friends or family members. Some may find solace in creative activities like journaling or art, while others may find it helpful to seek out a support group or therapist.

Dealing with grief after pregnancy or infant loss

Even though the grief may never fully go away, it can become more manageable over time with patience and understanding. Caring for your body along with your mental and emotional well-being during this journey can help you heal. Ways to process grief take many forms, none more or less valid than any other. Some suggestions are: 

• Create a memorial space, memory box, or memory book. This can include mementos such as photographs, written stories, gifts, notes or anything that holds significance toward the loss
• Do a ritual such as lighting a candle, planting a tree, or creating a ceremony honoring the loss. This can be on your own or with supportive family and friends, done just once or repeated every year
• Get commemorative jewelry. A special piece featuring a comforting phrase, particular birthstone, or supportive religious imagery can be a physical source of solace
• Write about your experience. You can record the story of your experience or note down any other expressions it inspires. This doesn’t have to be poetry — simple journaling often helps relieve overwhelming thoughts
• Express your loss through a creative medium. Drawing, doodling, coloring, working with Play-Doh — bringing your potentially challenging or repressed feelings into the open through art can help you process them
• Find an online community. There are many online resources such as websites, forums and support groups that can provide helpful information and guidance
• Seek professional help if needed. If you find yourself unable to manage your day-to-day life following a miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion, connecting with a counselor or therapist can be key

No matter what your experience with grief may be, it is important to remember that everyone has different needs and coping strategies. Each journey through grief is unique and valid and there is no timeline or deadline that needs to be followed in order to heal. Allow yourself permission to feel what you need to feel, while also remembering that there are people (and resources) available to offer their support along the way. This might not make the pain go away, but it can help you to move through this difficult time. 

Sources

“Babyloss Grieving Rituals”. The Center for Growth. https://thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/grieving-rituals-for-baby-loss 

“13 Ways to Memorialize Your Miscarriage: Honoring a Pregnancy Loss”. Miscarriage Hope Desk. https://miscarriagehopedesk.com/memorialize-your-miscarriage/ 

“Journaling for Emotional Wellness”. University of Rochester Medical Center. https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1 

“Loss and Grief in Pregnancy and Postpartum”. Postpartum Support International. https://postpartum.net/get-help/loss-grief-in-pregnancy-postpartum/ 

Coping with the loss of a loved one to a drug overdose requires navigating a grief that is often compounded by years of pre-loss stress, societal judgment, and complex relationship dynamics. Everyone grieves and processes loss differently, but certain strategies can help foster resilience and healthy coping skills following loss. At the foundation of these efforts, it is important to understand that your loved one’s substance use and overdose are not your fault.

Feelings of relief that the circumstances have ended are not only normal but common. Feelings of guilt and regret are nearly universal in this type of loss; survivors often replay the last conversation with the person who died or ruminate over missed opportunities for intervention. However, it is crucial to recognize that you did not cause the addiction, you could not control the addiction, and you could not cure the addiction. While it may seem contradictory to some, a sense of relief while grieving is possible and should not become a source of guilt or blame. Feeling relieved that the addictive behaviors have stopped does not mean you wanted your loved one to die; it means you are exhausted from the trauma of watching someone you love self-destruct. Learning more about substance use disorder as a chronic, relapsing brain disease can help contextualize the loss and quiet the inner critic of self-blame.

Allow yourself the time and space to mourn not only the person who died but also the person they were before the addiction took hold. The stigma of overdose often leads to disenfranchised grief, where others minimize your loss with statements like, “They did this to themselves,” or “At least they’re at peace now.” When faced with these statements, remember that you are not obligated to educate others in your grief or on how to hold space for you. Continue to focus on doing what feels best in your experience, whether that involves creating memorials, becoming involved in a cause, sharing stories about their life, or participating in activities they loved. Maintaining their legacy and remembering them beyond their cause of death is a powerful act of reclamation and a source of enduring connection.

Given the isolation that is associated with the grief that accompanies overdose deaths, many find value in connecting with others who understand this loss from experience. Friends, family, and community members who didn’t witness the addiction may not recognize the complexity of loving someone through a fatal illness that society often labels as a moral failure. Support groups specifically designed for overdose loss, as well as fellowships like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon offer a judgment-free space to share the difficult emotions that often accompany you on this journey. Additionally, working with a mental health professional or bereavement specialist trained in addiction and traumatic loss can provide critical tools for navigating the distinct psychological and practical impact, including managing interactions with law enforcement, navigating potential estrangement from other family members, and processing the trauma of finding a loved one after an overdose.

Sources

“Five Tips to Help You Through the Grief of an Overdose Death”. Addicted. https://www.addicted.org/news/five-tips-to-help-you-through-the-grief-of-an-overdose-death/ 

“Death from Overdose”. Essentia Health. https://www.essentiahealth.org/services/behavioral-mental-health-services/grief-bereavement-support/resources/death-from-overdose 

“Substance abuse and overdose… When a loved one dies”. Hospice of the Western Reserve. https://pcssnow.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Grief-and-Overdose-Death.pdf 

“How to Process a Loss Due to Overdose”. Remembering a Life. https://www.rememberingalife.com/blogs/blog/how-to-process-a-loss-due-to-overdose 

People who have lost loved ones to a natural disaster or war often experience intense and overwhelming grief due to the sudden, violent, and unexpected nature of these deaths. The sudden, violent, and often chaotic nature of these deaths frequently shatters the survivor’s assumptive world, leaving them to navigate shock, numbness, or a sense of disconnection. In the context of war, this grief is frequently compounded by feelings of injustice, moral injury, betrayal, and sometimes intense anger directed at systems or governments. In some circumstances, grief may be present alongside a specific psychiatric diagnosis, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or prolonged grief disorder (PGD).

Survivor’s guilt is often a universal response to this experience. It may be event-based or existential in nature. Event-based survivor’s guilt manifests as painful interrogation and rumination surrounding the specific moments of the disaster, such as “If only I had made them leave five minutes earlier,” or “Why didn’t I shield them from what was happening?” It is often accompanied by shame over perceived failures to protect others, regardless of the circumstances or the reality of one’s powerlessness in these situations. Existential survivor’s guilt is less about the specific event and more generalized, such as an intense sense of unfairness that we can continue in our daily routines and milestones while others cannot.

One of the most significant complications of these mass casualty events is the higher likelihood of ambiguous loss. When bodies are unrecovered, unidentifiable, or destroyed due to the force of the disaster or the nature of an attack, the bereaved are deprived of the confirmation that anchors the grieving process. Without a body to view or a grave to visit in these instances, it can make it difficult for some people to distinguish the difference between “missing” and “dead”. Some people struggle greatly with cognitive acceptance of the true finality of death in these circumstances.

Supporting survivors of these events often requires more than general grief counseling since there is trauma, secondary losses, and collective losses. Beyond the death of the individual, survivors often grieve the loss of a home, a neighborhood, community history, and a sense of safety. Some grieve the loss of cultural or national identity, while others grieve the loss of a future. Specialized support groups, trauma-informed therapy, and community memorial rituals are important in navigating grief and rebuilding life after loss, but not everyone has access to these resources. Additionally, when validating emotions and experiences, survivors often need protection from intrusive narratives. In disaster and war, survivors often become public symbols of tragedy or are subjected to media scrutiny and political narratives, so a key part of support is found in helping them reclaim ownership of the story surrounding their loss and allowing them to grieve privately, even as the community watches.

Sources

“Managing Grief After Disaster Events”. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. https://www.ptsd.va.gov/disaster_events/for_providers/managing_grief.asp 

“Dreading Yet Hoping: Traumatic Loss Impacted by Reference DNA Sample Collection for Families of Missing People”. National Library of Medicine. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9013849/ 

Finding a loved one’s body after they have died can be a deeply distressing and traumatic experience, so it is important to allow yourself to process the shock and intense emotions that typically follow. Seeking support from your social circle of friends and family, or working closely with a mental health professional can be an excellent source of comfort, strength, and guidance. Some individuals may also achieve a sense of solace through the pursuit of self-care or activities that are meaningful to them, such as practicing mindfulness or channeling their emotions into creative or therapeutic outlets like art therapy.

Coping with finding a loved one’s body after their death can be immensely challenging since it can be difficult to separate yourself from the vivid images that remain in your memory long after the discovery has occurred. Although you might seek closure through a viewing ceremony, a memorial, or a funeral service, you may still struggle with the memories surrounding your loved one’s death. Additionally, intense emotions may emerge as you proceed with grieving the loss of your loved one, but feeling nothing at all is also a normal reaction associated with the overall shock of this personal tragedy. 

Given the traumatic nature of the experience, many people find it helpful to seek counseling or therapy with a mental health professional. Depending on the nature of the death and the circumstances surrounding the cause of death, it may be particularly helpful to work with someone who specializes in treating traumatic grief. As you explore the memories and the emotions associated with the experience of finding your loved one’s body after they died, your mental health provider may make additional suggestions regarding specific types of therapy or other resources that can further facilitate the healing process.

Another crucial aspect of coping and working towards healing involves how you treat yourself after the discovery. It is incredibly important to focus on maintaining your well-being and consistently caring for yourself by proactively getting enough sleep, pursuing physical activity, eating a balanced diet, and allowing yourself to feel your emotions. While you might feel obligated to focus on maintaining your daily routine or engage in activities to distract yourself from your emotions, it’s crucial to also give yourself the permission and the space to grieve so that you can process the loss. Although healing takes time, it can be accomplished gradually if you are willing to be patient with yourself and accept support in the moments when you feel the most vulnerable. 

Sources

“PTSD After The Sudden Death Of A Loved One”. The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders. https://www.centerforanxietydisorders.com/2019/02/21/ptsd-sudden-death-loved-one/ 

Coping with the death of a parent during adulthood can be difficult, regardless of your relationship at the time of the loss. Whether you lose one parent, both parents or even an estranged parent, there are many emotions and challenges that emerge following their death. As you continue to work through these circumstances, the following coping strategies may aid in your efforts to attain a sense of solace. 

Writing a letter to your parent is a meaningful activity that may help you to process your grief. You might realize that there are many topics you never had a chance to connect with your parent about prior to their death. Similarly, there may be arguments or interpersonal problems that were never resolved. Taking the time to write out what you want to share with your parent can be a helpful way to come to terms with these unfulfilled interactions and work towards closure. 

Some individuals find comfort in identifying ways that they can maintain their parent’s presence in their life. This may mean having keepsakes as small reminders of a parent or continuing bonds by incorporating them into a personal routine. Maintaining a parent’s legacy by supporting causes that were important to them or sharing cherished memories of them with friends and family is another common way that people keep their parents ever-present in their lives. 

Dedicating time to practicing self-care can also be essential in coping with your grief. Many individuals begin to neglect themselves and their needs in the aftermath of losing a parent. This can occur due to emotional overwhelm, the difficulty of trying to maintain a regular routine while making final arrangements, or simply the intense impact of grief itself. Setting reminders to eat a healthy meal, making time to participate in an activity that you enjoy, or taking a few moments to practice mindfulness are common ways to work towards maintaining your well-being after a loss.

The death of a parent is a deeply painful and emotional loss at any age. It is important to understand that although grief is personal and often private, your loss does not have to be navigated alone. Coping strategies such as the ones listed here can be useful, but they are not a replacement for seeking additional support from a counselor or therapist if needed. The loss of a parent is often traumatic, and working closely with a mental health professional or bereavement specialist can be instrumental in making progress through the complexities of your grief. 

Sources

‘How to Deal With the Loss of a Parent: Psychologists’ Tips for Grieving”. Every Day Health. https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/grief/psychologists-tips-for-grieving-the-loss-of-a-parent/ 

“The Grief of Losing a Parent Is Complex — Here’s How to Start Navigating It”. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/losing-a-parent 

Intangible loss is the psychological, emotional, or non-material impact following a significant life event or change. It is frequently a secondary loss that results from another loss. Significant losses that can contribute to the development of intangible losses include the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, or the loss of health. 

Tangible losses are typically easier for people to conceptualize since they’re associated with physical or material items such as personal belongings, cars, money, housing, keepsakes, or other things. These items become physically inaccessible or lost entirely in the aftermath of economic downturns, natural disasters, crime, or other scenarios. Most individuals can generally identify what they have specifically lost when losses are tangible. However, intangible losses are often difficult to quantify due to their impact on the human experience. 

Intangible loss differs from tangible loss in the consideration that what is lost or impacted is not actually measurable. Intangible losses can include the loss of a sense of purpose due to a significant life event like retirement, or the loss of a sense of identity after an unexpected diagnosis of a chronic disease. During the COVID-19 pandemic, some individuals experienced a loss of independence due to restrictions and shutdowns. Loss of a sense of safety or security following a natural disaster, terrorism, or crime is another common example of intangible loss.

Each of these losses can have an immense impact on someone’s emotional and psychological well-being. Navigating intangible loss can be difficult for most individuals since it can be challenging to identify and understand the true source of the complex emotions that emerge. Although some individuals will experience common signs or indicators of grief, others might find that they are struggling more with a sense of feeling disoriented or losing a sense of self, which they might not initially identify as a reaction to the loss that they have experienced. 

Effectively recognizing the source of intangible loss often depends on the individual’s ability to reflect and deconstruct major life events or factors that are contributing to their pain. For some, this can be an overwhelming task to take on alone due to traumatic experiences or sensitive topics that have occurred in the past, so partnering with a mental health professional can be especially helpful. Through understanding the loss, individuals can work toward processing their grief in a healthy manner and gradually overcome the pain.

Sources

“Grief in the Midst of COVID-19: Mourning Our Losses”. Trinity University. https://www.trinity.edu/news/grief-midst-covid-19-mourning-our-losses 

“Intangible Losses: Can You Have Grief if No One Died?” The Grief Recovery Method. https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2021/06/intangible-losses-can-you-have-grief-if-no-one-died 

SevenPonds recommends the following resources to our clients who wish to learn more about sudden and traumatic loss.

Organizations and Support Networks 

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)

TAPS is the national nonprofit organization providing comfort, care, and resources to all those grieving the death of a military or veteran loved one, regardless of the circumstances. With over 100,000 survivors supported, TAPS builds a powerful community where survivors help each other heal through peer support, retreats, and national seminars. For a military family reeling from a sudden death, TAPS offers an immediate, understanding community.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)

AFSP offers a vast array of free resources specifically for survivors of suicide loss, including a nationwide support group database, a survivor conference, and the Named Memorial Program. They also provide guidance for talking to children about suicide and a comprehensive list of clinicians trained in suicide bereavement therapy. For someone feeling the deep, confusing pain of a suicide death, AFSP is an anchor, providing connection and specialized knowledge.

The Louis D. Brown Peace Institute

Based in Massachusetts, this community-based organization is a national model for supporting families and communities impacted by homicide and other forms of violence. They provide outreach services, burial assistance, grief counseling, and advocacy for survivors navigating the criminal justice system, treating all families with dignity and love. For a family shattered by the murder of a loved one, the Peace Institute offers a lifeline of practical and emotional support.

The Compassionate Friends

This is a worldwide self-help organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to families grieving the death of a child of any age, from any cause—including sudden, traumatic, and violent deaths. Their local chapters provide a safe place for parents, grandparents, and siblings to share their stories and know they are not alone on a path no one chooses to walk. For a parent whose world has been shattered by the sudden death of an adult child, this organization provides a uniquely understanding community.

First Candle

First Candle is a national nonprofit working to end Sudden Unexpected Infant Death (SUID) while providing compassionate bereavement support to families who have experienced the death of a baby from SIDS, SUID, or stillbirth. Their grief line, staffed by their Director of Bereavement Support, offers immediate comfort, and they provide books and guidance for talking to other children in the family about the loss. In the devastating wake of losing a baby, First Candle ensures that no family grieves alone.

Winston’s Wish

A leading childhood bereavement charity, Winston’s Wish offers practical, trauma-informed support specifically for children, young people, and their families after a sudden, violent, or traumatic death. Their team of bereavement specialists is available to speak with immediately, providing real-time advice on how to talk to a child who has witnessed a traumatic event or is struggling to process a shocking loss. For a parent worried about their child’s reaction to a sudden family tragedy, this is an invaluable first call.

The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing

Located in the Washington, DC area, the Wendt Center provides a wide range of services to address the needs of adults, youth, and families coping with both grief and trauma, including specialized treatment for those impacted by violence. They offer individual and group therapy that recognizes how a sudden, violent death creates a unique kind of wound that requires a specific kind of healing. For families navigating both the shock of a traumatic loss and the stress of a police investigation, the Wendt Center provides comprehensive, trauma-informed care.

The UK Trauma Council (UKTC)

A consortium of experts in childhood trauma, the UKTC has developed free, evidence-based resources specifically on traumatic bereavement for schools, practitioners, and parents. Their materials help adults identify the difference between typical grief and traumatic grief in children, providing clear guidance on how to put appropriate support in place. For a teacher or school counselor wondering how to help a student after a classmate’s sudden death, the UKTC’s resources are an essential, research-backed tool.

Notable Grief Experts and Thought Leaders

David Kessler

One of the world’s foremost grief experts, Kessler co-authored two books with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and later introduced the concept of “finding meaning” as a sixth stage of grief after the death of his own young son. His work is particularly resonant for those facing traumatic loss, as he provides tools to navigate the shocking, disorienting early days and find a way to live meaningfully with sorrow. His online platform, Grief.com, offers a wealth of free resources, including videos, articles, and training, for anyone supporting themselves or a loved one through a devastating event.

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

A tenured professor at Arizona State University, Dr. Cacciatore transformed her own unthinkable loss into a life’s mission, founding the MISS Foundation and Selah Carefarm to provide specialized care for those suffering the most profound traumatic grief. Her seminal book, Bearing the Unbearable, is often considered a lifeline for bereaved parents, offering not platitudes but a raw, compassionate presence that validates the most painful feelings.

Dr. Kate Truitt

As a clinical psychologist and applied neuroscientist, Dr. Truitt is an internationally recognized expert in traumatic grief who translates complex brain science into accessible, actionable healing strategies. Her work focuses on how trauma physically impacts the brain, and her books, including Healing in Your Hands, provide self-regulation tools to help survivors move from feeling trapped by their loss to feeling empowered in their own recovery.

Dr. Jennifer R. Levin

After a 30-year career specializing in sudden loss and traumatic grief, Dr. Levin founded Traumatic Grief Solutions to provide crisis support and proactive training for navigating grief in all areas of life, from family to the workplace. She is the author of The Traumatic Loss Workbook, which offers powerful, compassionate skills for dealing with the unique chaos of an unexpected death, including how to manage “grief attacks” and cope with triggering anniversaries.

Brooke James (Grief Is Learning)

Brook James provides trauma-informed perspectives on common reactions to loss, emphasizing that grief is not an illness but a lifelong process of learning to live with loss while maintaining a continuing bond with the person who died. Her work helps survivors understand that the strange, scary feelings they’re having—including flashbacks, hypervigilance, or emotional numbness—are normal responses to an abnormal event. This validation can be an immense relief for anyone struggling to make sense of their own mind after a tragedy.

Key Books and Publications

Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler

In this powerful book, Kessler expands upon the classic five stages of grief, proposing that finding meaning is not a destination but a vital part of healing. He uses stories from his own life and the lives of those he’s counseled to show how meaning can be found—not in the event itself, but in honoring the person we’ve lost. For someone stuck in anger or despair after a sudden death, this book offers a gentle, hopeful way forward.

Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

This book is a rare gift, written by a leading expert who has walked the path of devastating loss herself. It doesn’t try to “fix” or “cure” grief, but rather sits alongside the reader, validating that the pain they feel is a natural extension of their love. Cacciatore’s poetic and compassionate prose offers a safe harbor for anyone who feels that their world has been permanently shattered.

The Traumatic Loss Workbook: Powerful Skills for Navigating the Grief Caused by a Sudden or Unexpected Death by Jennifer R. Levin, PhD

Designed to be used day by difficult day, this workbook provides concrete, evidence-based skills for navigating the unique chaos of a traumatic loss. It teaches emotional regulation, mindfulness, and narrative therapy techniques to help survivors cope with intrusive images, “grief attacks,” and the bewildering emotional swings that follow a sudden death. For someone who feels paralyzed and doesn’t know where to start, this workbook offers a gentle, manageable structure for moving forward.

It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine

While not exclusively about traumatic loss, this book is a powerful antidote to a world that wants grieving people to “get better” and “move on.” Devine, a therapist who experienced the sudden accidental drowning of her partner, gives readers permission to feel the full weight of their grief without shame. Her fierce, validating voice is a welcome companion for anyone who feels that their profound sorrow is being dismissed or minimized.

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death, and Surviving by Julia Samuel

A British psychotherapist and grief expert, Samuel provides a compassionate guide filled with real-life case studies that range from the expected death of a parent to the sudden, unexpected death of a small child. The book is structured to help both the grieving person and those who want to support them, offering clear advice and a vocabulary for emotions that often feel beyond words. For a family trying to support one another when each person is grieving differently, Samuel’s book provides a shared language and a path toward mutual understanding.