Attending a Memorial Service

A memorial service or celebration of life is a gathering to honor and remember someone who has died. Unlike a funeral, which traditionally takes place shortly after a person’s death, a memorial service can be held weeks or even months later, and can be personalized in many different ways. Although a memorial service is certainly a time to mourn and remember a loved one who has died, the focus is typically on celebrating the life of the person through stories, photos, and memories shared by family and friends. Further, most memorial services today are planned and organized by friends, family, and loved ones rather than by a funeral director or funeral home. 

The History of Memorial Services 

The idea of a memorial service arranged by the loved ones of a person who died is a fairly modern concept. As recently as the early 1970s, North American funerals were the purview of funeral directors and funeral homes, who handled all of the arrangements, from preparing the body for viewing to transporting it for burial. When a person died, whether in the home or in a hospital, the next of kin would contact a mortuary, and a technician would appear to whisk the body away. Then, out of sight of family and friends, a funeral director would embalm the body and prepare it for viewing, if the family so desired. Soon after, loved ones would gather at the funeral home to say their last goodbyes, and a service conducted by the funeral director or a celebrant chosen by the person’s loved ones would take place. The funeral home would then transport the body to a cemetery for burial. Most families also held a graveside service — a somber, tear-filled affair — then returned home to grieve. 

But all of that began to change around the latter part of the 20th century, when public interest in cremation, which had been virtually unheard of in North America in prior years, began to rise. According to data from the Cremation Association of North America, cremation rates were about 5% in 1972, having slowly risen to that level over the previous 100 years. Then, fueled by a more mobile society that enjoyed greater exposure to other cultures and traditions, a general relaxation of social and religious taboos, and a growing aversion to the steadily rising cost of burial, the number of people who chose cremation as a means of final disposition began to grow. By 2010, the North American cremation rate was 40%, and by 2019 it had risen to over 55%. And that trend shows no sign of slowing down.  

Families Begin to Take Back Control of Their Dead

Alongside the steady rise in cremation rates, funeral consumers began to express a greater interest in reclaiming control of their dead. No longer reliant on funeral homes for every stage of the death-care process, they started to question ideas that they had accepted unconditionally just a few years before —  perhaps most notably, the necessity of embalming and the need to have a funeral service immediately after a death. They also began to rethink the wisdom of investing thousands of dollars in goods and services that funeral homes routinely sell. Cremation gave consumers freedom — not just from skyrocketing prices but from what many had begun to view as the gaudy excesses of an outdated funeral industry. 

It was against this backdrop that many American families also began to think more creatively about how and when to memorialize someone who had died. No longer tied to a graveside ceremony, which of necessity was held soon after a death, many who had chosen cremation for their loved ones began to hold memorial services weeks or even months later, when the pain of the loss had begun to subside. This, in turn, led to a slow but important paradigm shift as Americans turned away from the idea of a dark, somber funeral towards more personalized, meaningful celebrations of life. 

A Modern Approach to Memorials

Today, North Americans have not only wholeheartedly embraced the new tradition of cremation, but they have also begun to explore new (and not-so-new) ways of disposing of the dead. In 2019, the state of Washington legalized the process of natural organic reduction of human bodies (composting for short), and Colorado made the process legal in 2021. Alkaline hydrolysis –– a process that dissolves bodies in a solution of water and sodium hydroxide, is now legal in 18 states, and natural or green burial is also gaining popularity. Family-directed or home funerals, in which loved ones care for the body after death and hold a funeral in the home (as was the norm not too long ago), are also becoming more widely accepted as people seek out more personalized and meaningful ways to say goodbye to those they love. 

All of these new options signify an emerging, albeit still hesitant, willingness to look at death and dying as a natural part of life and a desire to care for our dead in a more personal way. Thus, it’s unsurprising that families honor their loved ones in unique and ever-changing ways. 

Some families, for example, will hold a minimal graveside service for close friends and relatives and a larger gathering at a restaurant or other venue several months later to celebrate their loved one’s life. Some choose to have a memorial service on their loved one’s birthday or even wait a year and hold a life celebration on the anniversary of their death. It’s also common for families to choose less traditional locations such as a park, beach, or even their backyard, 

allowing for a more intimate and personal setting, which can bring comfort to those grieving.

Ash scattering ceremonies are also increasingly popular. These may involve a small group of immediate family who gather at a designated spot to say a quiet goodbye, or a much larger gathering where many attendees participate in scattering the ashes. Since ash scattering is legal in most public places, these ceremonies can be held almost anywhere, from a private lake to a beach or national park. Many people also choose to scatter their loved one’s ashes at sea. 

Another option that is slowly gaining ground is a departy  – a celebration of life while a terminally ill person is still alive. Although still not quite mainstream, the idea has been embraced by more than a few people who are living with a terminal illness and want to be present when their friends and loved ones say goodbye. 

The decision to have a memorial service rather than a funeral can vary depending on personal preferences and cultural customs. However, as families embrace the concept of joyfully celebrating a loved one, it is a choice that is likely to become increasingly popular as traditions around mourning and remembrance evolve. 

How to Plan a Memorial Service or Celebration of Life

The idea of a memorial service arranged by the loved ones of a person who died is a fairly modern concept. As recently as the early 1970s, North American funerals were the purview of funeral directors and funeral homes, who handled all of the arrangements, from preparing the body for viewing to transporting it for burial. When a person died, whether in the home or in a hospital, the next of kin would contact a mortuary, and a technician would appear to whisk the body away. Then, out of sight of family and friends, a funeral director would embalm the body and prepare it for viewing, if the family so desired. Soon after, loved ones would gather at the funeral home to say their last goodbyes, and a service conducted by the funeral director or a celebrant chosen by the person’s loved ones would take place. The funeral home would then transport the body to a cemetery for burial. Most families also held a graveside service — a somber, tear-filled affair — then returned home to grieve. 

But all of that began to change around the latter part of the 20th century, when public interest in cremation, which had been virtually unheard of in North America in prior years, began to rise. According to data from the Cremation Association of North America, cremation rates were about 5% in 1972, having slowly risen to that level over the previous 100 years. Then, fueled by a more mobile society that enjoyed greater exposure to other cultures and traditions, a general relaxation of social and religious taboos, and a growing aversion to the steadily rising cost of burial, the number of people who chose cremation as a means of final disposition began to grow. By 2010, the North American cremation rate was 40%, and by 2019 it had risen to over 55%. And that trend shows no sign of slowing down.  

Families Begin to Take Back Control of Their Dead

Alongside the steady rise in cremation rates, funeral consumers began to express a greater interest in reclaiming control of their dead. No longer reliant on funeral homes for every stage of the death-care process, they started to question ideas that they had accepted unconditionally just a few years before —  perhaps most notably, the necessity of embalming and the need to have a funeral service immediately after a death. They also began to rethink the wisdom of investing thousands of dollars in goods and services that funeral homes routinely sell. Cremation gave consumers freedom — not just from skyrocketing prices but from what many had begun to view as the gaudy excesses of an outdated funeral industry. 

It was against this backdrop that many American families also began to think more creatively about how and when to memorialize someone who had died. No longer tied to a graveside ceremony, which of necessity was held soon after a death, many who had chosen cremation for their loved ones began to hold memorial services weeks or even months later, when the pain of the loss had begun to subside. This, in turn, led to a slow but important paradigm shift as Americans turned away from the idea of a dark, somber funeral towards more personalized, meaningful celebrations of life. 

A Modern Approach to Memorials

Today, North Americans have not only wholeheartedly embraced the new tradition of cremation, but they have also begun to explore new, (and not-so-new) ways of disposing of the dead. In 2019, the state of Washington legalized the process of natural organic reduction of human bodies (composting for short), and Colorado made the process legal in 2021. Alkaline hydrolysis — a process that dissolves bodies in a solution of water and sodium hydroxide– is now legal in 18 states, and natural” or green burial is gaining popularity as well. Family-directed funerals, in which loved ones care for the body after death and hold a funeral in the home (as was the norm not too long ago), are also becoming more widely accepted as people seek out more personalized and meaningful ways to say goodbye to those they love. 

All of these new options signify an emerging, albeit still hesitant, willingness to look at death and dying as a natural part of life and a desire to care for our dead in a more personal way. Thus, it’s not surprising that families are also choosing to honor their loved ones in unique and ever-changing ways. 

Some families, for example, will hold a very small graveside service for close friends and relatives and a larger gathering at a restaurant or other venue several months later to celebrate their loved one’s life. Some choose to have a memorial service on their loved one’s birthday or even wait a year and hold a life celebration on the anniversary of their death. Ash scattering ceremonies are also increasingly popular. These may involve a small group of immediate family who gather at a designated spot to say a quiet goodbye, or a much larger gathering in which many attendees participate in scattering the ashes as a group. Since ash scattering is legal in most public places [link to Colleeb\n’s article], these ceremonies can be held almost anywhere, from a private lake to a beach to a national park. Many people also choose to scatter their loved one’s ashes at sea. 

Another option that is gaining ground slowly is a departy – a celebration of life while a terminally ill person is still alive. Although still not quite mainstream, the idea has been embraced by more than a few people who are living with a terminal illness and want to be present when their friends and loved ones say goodbye. 

Sources

“Industry Statistical Information”. Cremation Association of North America. https://www.cremationassociation.org/industrystatistics.html 

“Recompose  – Our Model”. Recompose. https://recompose.life/our-model/ 

In most cases, when planning what to wear to a memorial service, it’s safe to use the same guidelines as you would to dress for a funeral — more conservative, semi-formal wear (dressy casual) in darker tones is always appropriate. If any part of the service is taking place in a church or other place of worship, it’s prudent to ensure your shoulders are covered, as many religions prefer this. These days, color choice has become more relaxed for memorial services, though this is still generally not an occasion for flashy dressing. If you were close with the person who died, you may want to honor them by wearing a color or style they liked. An invitation may suggest the type of attire or a specific color scheme. Remember that your role in the service is to pay your respects to the loved one and support the living, and dressing ostentatiously can be a distraction. If in doubt, err on the side of more conservative wear. 

For women, dresses that cover the shoulders or are otherwise topped with a cardigan or shawl, and with hems close to the knee or longer, are appropriate, as are pants and a blouse, or a pantsuit. If there’s a graveside service, consider wearing flats, wedge or block heels, to more comfortably walk on grass. For men, suits or pants, a dress shirt, and jacket are always an appropriate choice.

Sources

“What to Wear to a Memorial Service | Casual to Formal Services”. Nimble Made. https://www.nimble-made.com/blogs/news/what-to-wear-to-a-memorial-service

“What to Wear to a Funeral or Memorial Service”. Dressed for My Day. https://dressedformyday.com/what-to-wear-to-a-funeral-or-memorial-service/ 

Although it is not required to have a guestbook at a memorial service, it helps maintain a record of the memorial service attendees. Some individuals use the guestbook to help them keep track of who should receive a note or letter of gratitude for attendance, whereas others view the guestbook as a cherished keepsake from the service. The purpose of the guestbook may also vary depending on the family’s preferences; some guestbooks are limited to space for attendee signatures and are not intended to include personal sentiments, while others include additional space for reflections or condolences. 

When guestbooks are used at a memorial service, they may be provided in a physical or virtual format. Traditional guestbooks are physical books that can be signed and provide surviving loved ones with a tangible item to keep after the service. However, many modern guestbooks now exist online on various platforms, making it easier for individuals to share reflections even if they cannot attend the memorial service. In either case, guestbooks can be a beautiful reminder of the extensive impact that the person who died had on the lives of those who remain. 

It is important to note that although having a guestbook is common, it is not a universal practice across cultures. Some families prefer alternative methods for remembering their loved ones, such as creating a memory board or other activities that can contribute to creating a new keepsake. Regardless of the format used, the ultimate intent is to remember the person who died and provide a space to commemorate the experience of a shared loss. 

Sources 

“How to set up a memorial guest book.” Ever Loved. https://everloved.com/articles/memorial-products/how-to-set-up-a-memorial-guest-book/ 

“How to sign the guestbook at a funeral or memorial service”. Everplans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/how-to-sign-the-guestbook-at-a-funeral-or-memorial-service 

It is generally appropriate for children to attend a memorial service if they are prepared ahead of time for what they may experience. Allowing children to attend a memorial service can help them gain an understanding of death in a supportive environment and further conceptualize how loved ones are honored after they die. It can also validate their grief and help them to find closure by saying goodbye to their loved one.

It is important to note that children should not be forced to attend a memorial service. If there is any indication that they may be uncomfortable or afraid, it is better to find an alternative activity that allows them to honor their loved one in an age-appropriate manner. Children who are interested in attending a memorial service should be allowed to attend with adult supervision, since the experience can be overstimulating for some or may prompt an increase in questions after the event. Providing explanations or answers that are appropriate for the child’s emotional and psychological maturity level can be crucial as they begin to shape their own perspectives regarding grief and loss. 

Parents or guardians should consider whether the atmosphere of the memorial service would be suitable for a child to attend. Children can easily become emotionally overwhelmed, distressed, or aggravated in unfamiliar environments, so planning ahead about how to handle intense emotions and when to take breaks can be helpful. While the tone of some services may be aligned more with a celebration of life, other services may be more somber and formal and primarily intended for an adult audience. If the family has specifically requested that attendees do not bring their children, it is important to be respectful by honoring their request. Ultimately, the decision to bring a child to a memorial service should be made based on the family’s preferences and the child’s emotional well-being.

Sources

“Attending Funerals or Memorial Services”. Healthy Children. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Attending-Funerals-or-Memorial-Services.aspx 

“Should You Bring Children To A Funeral Or Memorial Service?” Everplans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/should-you-bring-children-to-a-funeral-or-memorial-service 

While bringing a gift to a memorial service is not required, it can be a considerate gesture to express condolences and support the bereaved family. Gifts usually are not expected, but it is proper etiquette to bring a gift to the memorial service if you have the ability and resources to do so. Expensive or large gifts are typically inappropriate for a memorial service; they should instead be gifted directly to the family privately. Potential gifts that are appropriate for a memorial service can include: 

• Sympathy Card 
• Bunch of Flowers or Arrangement of Flowers (Contemporary Flowers vs Somber Ones of the Past)
• Memorial Wreath (Contemporary Flowers vs Somber Ones of the Past)
• Photos in a Card or Photos Framed
• Photo Album
• Handmade Keepsake 
• Keepsake Box
• Homemade Food or Store-Bought Food
• Record of a Donation
• Book on Grieving
• Garden Plant (Forget Me Nots, Love Lies Bleeding, Bleeding Hearts, a favorite flower or color, etc)
• Tree Seedling
• Flower Seeds (Forget Me Nots, Love Lies Bleeding, Bleeding Hearts, favorite flower or color, etc)
• Memorial Jewelry
• Comforting Blanket 
• Mug with Specialty Coffee or Tea
• Candle
• Gift with the Name of the Person Honored (Pillow, Holiday Ornament, Garden Stone, Etc.)
• Spa Gift Card
• Windchime
• Religious or Spiritual Item
• Cultural Item 
• Handwritten Letter Expressing the Memories of That Person
  

Sometimes families may request a donation to a specific cause or foundation in memory of the person who died. If you choose to make a donation, you can inform the family by mentioning it briefly in a sympathy card. A sympathy card is often one of the most common gifts that is given at a memorial service and should include your condolences along with any words of encouragement or even a brief memory of their loved one.

Flowers are another popular gift for memorial services, although it is important to be mindful when deciding whether to purchase them. Some individuals prefer not to have large displays of flowers. This may be due to a cultural or religious practice or simply their personal preference. Additionally, they may have already received flowers from other individuals during the funeral or viewing if it was conducted. Floral tributes are best sent ahead of a service. Consider using contemporary modern-day flower types to better reflect the celebration of a life in today’s world. A florist can offer floral suggestions. 

It is suitable to give food if it is requested by the family. However, if it has not been requested and you’re unsure if they will have a designated area to properly store the food to prevent it from perishing, it would be better to opt for a different gift. If giving food, you also need to be mindful of dietary restrictions and allergies. If you are uncertain whether bringing food would be appropriate, you can privately ask the family if they would prefer to have a meal dropped off at their home, or you can provide them with a gift card for a meal with the sympathy card. 

Photos are often a cherished gift, especially since families don’t always get to see the photos that other individuals have taken of their loved ones. Photos can be gifted in a variety of formats, such as a photo book, a keepsake item, or even a portrait on a wrapped canvas. Making a collage is another appropriate option for sharing photos at a memorial service.

Even if the family is not expecting a gift, including one with your attendance at the memorial service can be an excellent way to show that you care. Remember to consider the cultural and religious background of the family since this can often influence whether certain gifts are appropriate. Ultimately, however, as long as you select a gift that demonstrates your compassion for the family and remains authentic to the memory of the individual being honored at the service, you are certain to leave a lasting impression. 

Sources

“Should I Bring a Gift to a Funeral? Memorial Gift Etiquette Explained”. All Gifts Considered. https://allgiftsconsidered.com/bring-gift-funeral-memorial-gift-etiquette-explained/ 

“What to Bring to a Funeral or Memorial Service”. EverLoved. https://everloved.com/articles/funeral-etiquette/what-bring-funeral-or-memorial-service/ 

“What to Bring to a Funeral or Celebration of Life?” Eternally Loved. https://eternallyloved.com/blog/what-to-bring-to-a-funeral-or-celebration-of-life/ 

A memorial service is a formalized event that typically focuses on mourning and remembrance, whereas a celebration of life is a personalized and often more lighthearted event that focuses on celebrating the legacy of the person who died. Although the terms memorial services and celebrations of life are sometimes used interchangeably, they have a few significant differences in their purpose and process. 

Memorial services are generally held at funeral homes, churches, or larger venues. They may be held in conjunction with funerals, but are less formal than a funeral. Since the focus centers on mourning the loss of the person who died and honoring them, attendees may share speeches, known as eulogies, or other tributes among family, friends, and loved ones. Depending on the setting of the service, music such as hymns or sacred melodies may be performed. A moment of silence or prayer may also be taken in remembrance of the person who died. 

Celebrations of life may also be held at churches, but tend to be common in more casual and informal settings such as a family residence or even a park. Many of these celebrations include music, activities, food, and other integral components that remind attendees of the interests, preferences, and legacy of the person who died. A celebration of life is distinctly different from a memorial service in the consideration of the overall expression of joy and lightheartedness rather than sorrow and mourning. 

Both of these gatherings have noticeably unique expectations and set the tone for how a loved one is remembered. The decision of whether to hold a celebration of life or a memorial service is truly personal and typically depends on the preferences and cultural background of the family. Although they serve different purposes, both events can be a source of comfort, support, and closure for friends and family after a loss has occurred. 

Sources

“Memorial Service vs. Celebration of Life: Differences and Definitions”. Better Place Forests. https://www.betterplaceforests.com/blog/memorial-vs-celebration-of-life/ 

“What is a Celebration of Life Ceremony”. Eternally Loved. https://eternallyloved.com/blog/celebration-life-ceremony/ 

“How to Plan a Memorial Service”. One World Memorials. https://www.oneworldmemorials.com/pages/planning-a-memorial-service-or-life-celebration

A memorial service typically lasts 30 minutes to an hour, but the duration varies depending on various factors. Memorial services that include speeches from attendees, readings, or other communal activities can extend a memorial service to one to two hours. Allotting time for tributes from loved ones, music performances, and readings of poetry or literature are common practices that influence the total length of the service. 

Culture is a key factor in determining the length of a memorial service. Memorial services tend to be shorter in many Western cultures and often focus primarily on allowing attendees to share memories or make brief speeches regarding their reflections on the person who died. However, other cultures tend to have longer memorial services, which emphasize performing specific rituals, spending time with the family of the person who died, and honoring important traditions. 

Another consideration is the overall size of the gathering. Smaller memorial services tend to be shorter and allow everyone to share their reflections and memories if they are comfortable doing so. Larger memorial services typically take longer since additional waiting time is needed for attendees to arrive, especially if some are designated speakers. Memorial services with receptions scheduled afterward may sometimes be longer as well, particularly if the aim is to conduct the service until the preparations for the reception are complete. 

Families planning a memorial service should consider their unique circumstances and preferences when determining the length of the event. While it may vary based on cultural traditions, the size of the gathering, other events or activities scheduled afterward, and personal preferences, the more significant focus should be to ensure that the memorial service accurately reflects the legacy of the person who died. Regardless of the duration of the service, the goal is to ensure that attendees have enough time to honor their loved ones and support one another during their loss. 

Sources

“How long are funerals?”. Ever Loved. https://everloved.com/articles/funeral-customs/how-long-are-funerals/?utm_source=article_share&utm_medium=copy_link 

“How to plan a memorial service”. Farewill. https://farewill.com/articles/how-to-plan-a-memorial-service 

The rituals and traditions observed during a memorial service vary significantly based on religious, cultural, and personal preferences. However, there are a few traditions and rituals that are typically included. Traditions and rituals commonly observed include music or readings, sharing eulogies, and symbolic gestures. 

One of the most common traditions in a memorial service is the opportunity to share eulogies or personal stories about the person who died. Attendees take turns sharing their memories of their loved one and discussing their positive impact on the lives of others around them. This is a tribute to the person who died, but it also aids attendees in processing their grief about the loss by reflecting on the meaningful moments they shared with that individual. Sometimes, eulogies are combined with visual elements such as a portrait of the person who died, items important to them, or even a memory board that attendees create with various photographs and mementos. 

Another prominent ritual in memorial services is the use of readings or music. This can include significant hymns, favorite songs of the person who died, or instrumental compositions. When readings are used, they may include poems, sacred or religious texts, passages from literature that may comfort grieving attendees, or favorite passages that were meaningful to the person who died. Adjacent to these rituals, some memorial services include prayers, chants, or a moment of silence to reflect.

Some memorial services include symbolic gestures or activities that require the participation of the attendees. For example, some services include the release of butterflies, doves, or balloons, which can be representative of freeing the soul of the person who died or sending positive sentiments to them. Another common ritual is lighting candles in memory of the person who died. Other symbolic gestures may include planting a flower or tree to honor the person who died, writing messages in a guest book, or contributing to a charity or cause. These actions are not only symbolic and hold a more profound meaning regarding losing a loved one but also create a sense of community and shared grief among attendees.

The specific rituals chosen for a memorial service should reflect the beliefs, personality, and preferences of the person who died while emphasizing comfort to grieving people. Since memorial services are often highly personalized, these common rituals and traditions can serve as initial inspiration when planning what should be included throughout the service. Ultimately, these traditions and rituals often serve as poignant aids to honoring the legacy of the person who died. 

Sources

“How rituals and traditions help us heal”. Funeral Basics. https://www.funeralbasics.org/rituals-and-traditions-that-help-us-heal/ 

“Memorial service etiquette”. EverPlans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/memorial-service-etiquette 

At a minimum, most online memorial pages include a photo of the person who died and a biography or obituary. Since online memorial pages serve as a space for remembrance, you are not limited to only including these details. Other common components can include their interests or hobbies, causes and charities that were significant to them, important achievements, videos, or a family tree. The general aim is to include information that will effectively reflect the life and legacy of your loved one. 

Basic details such as your loved one’s date of birth and date of death, as well as their age at the time of death, can help provide context regarding the extent of their lifetime. Many online memorial pages feature a timeline within these ranges that helps to illustrate when milestones, major life events, or achievements occurred during a loved one’s life. If there is an upcoming memorial service or an organization where other people can donate to remember your loved one, this would also be pertinent information to include in a prominent section of the page. Depending on the platform’s functionality, you may also be able to use it to provide reminders for important dates such as your loved one’s birthday or the anniversary of their death. 

Some people also like including personal anecdotes from their loved ones, which can help reflect important perspectives or unforgettable personalities. Including anecdotes can inspire others to share their memories of your loved one when they visit the online memorial page. An online memorial page for your loved one can be as comprehensive or as brief as you prefer and often can be customized however you wish. Once finalized, this page will serve as a digital tribute to your loved one and remain a space for ongoing reflections and memories from those impacted by their presence.

Sources 

“5 tips for creating an online memorial”. Funeralocity. https://www.funeralocity.com/blog/5-tips-for-creating-an-online-memorial/ 

“How to hold a virtual memorial service, a step-by-step guide”. TalkDeath. https://talkdeath.com/how-to-hold-a-virtual-memorial-service-a-step-by-step-guide/ 

Yes, a memorial service may be held at home. Many individuals choose to honor and remember their loved ones in a home setting for various reasons. Some find that having the memorial service at home fosters closeness and comfort compared to more public or traditional venues. It may also provide a greater sense of privacy during the shared experience of mourning and grieving. 

Hosting a memorial service at home can provide more flexibility regarding how the service is conducted. Some individuals feel more comfortable personalizing the service to the fullest extent since they know it will only be seen and experienced by close family and friends of the person who died. Many memorial services conducted at private residences emphasize the use of personal photographs, favorite music, and other decor or activities that hold significance to the attendees and the family of the person who died. 

Since the setting is at home, some individuals feel more comfortable having an informal tone to the memorial service. This does not mean that the service is any less meaningful, but rather that attendees may be more welcome to come as they are. They may also feel more comfortable expressing their feelings in this setting than if they were attending a formal event at a public venue. Despite the possibility of an informal tone to the service, it is important to be respectful and mindful of the host’s residence while attending. 

Individuals considering holding a memorial service at home should consider the potential limitations and logical aspects of their decision. Depending on the size of the home, there may be space limitations that affect the total number of guests that can attend at one time. This can be accommodated by having different groups of attendees arrive gradually throughout the day of the service. Other logistical considerations include whether food and drinks will be provided, if specific arrangements need to be made to have enough seating, and if any special equipment is necessary.

Holding a memorial service at home can be a meaningful way to honor a loved one. The decision to share this moment of remembrance in such an intimate setting can further foster connection among everyone attending. Although there are many practical and logistical considerations to keep in mind, careful planning can result in a home memorial service that provides a poignant tribute to the life and legacy of a loved one. 

Sources 

“7 tips for planning a memorial service”. Funeral Basics. https://www.funeralbasics.org/memorial-services/ 

“What to expect at a memorial service held at home”. Legacy.com. https://www.legacy.com/advice/what-to-expect-at-a-memorial-service-held-at-home/

Hiring a funeral celebrant or similar professional can be very helpful in coordinating and managing the logistics of a memorial service. This can include arrangements for catering, booking the venue, organizing speakers and musicians, and many other services that contribute to a memorable experience. Hiring a professional can reduce the stress of planning a memorial service during an intensely emotional time and also ensure that family and close friends can fully focus on honoring their loved one instead of becoming overwhelmed with the details of the service. 

Individuals who have envisioned a memorial service with a personalized approach may find that working with a professional makes it easier to achieve these goals. Event planners, celebrants, and other professionals come prepared with a wide range of ideas and resources to ensure that memorial services and celebrations of life are as unique and meaningful as the loved ones that they are intended to represent. Their expertise ensures that coordinating services and making necessary arrangements is simple and straightforward throughout the planning process. 

Understandably, some families feel that the best way to achieve a deeply personal tone to the memorial service is to handle all of the arrangements themselves. In these instances, it may be more beneficial and comfortable for these individuals to work closely with family and friends throughout the planning and coordination process. Identifying what tasks need to be taken care of to achieve the ideal memorial service and then dividing those tasks among different family members and friends can make the process less overwhelming, although it may still be challenging to make arrangements during such emotionally charged circumstances. 

The decision to hire a professional to help plan and coordinate a memorial service can have a significant impact and should be considered for those who are concerned about the emotional impact of navigating these plans independently. It is important to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of using professional assistance, especially if it may conflict with personal preferences. In any case, the final decision should be supportive of the family’s vision and needs for sharing a memorable tribute for their loved one. 

Sources

“How to plan a meaningful memorial service”. AARP. https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2020/planning-memorial-service.html 

“How you can help a grieving person before the funeral or memorial service.” EverPlans.   https://www.everplans.com/articles/how-you-can-help-a-grieving-person-before-the-funeral-or-memorial-service 

A memorial service is generally more affordable than a traditional funeral service since it doesn’t require the body of the person who died to be present for viewing. However, the average cost of a memorial service tends to vary from state to state. Additionally, the costs can vary depending on the features of the service. Individuals who are working with a funeral home to handle the logistics of a memorial service will generally have access to transparent pricing, but may need to be mindful that optional features can increase the total cost of the services. 

The average cost of a memorial service with cremation in the United States is $6,078. However, many individuals opt to hold a memorial service independently without the assistance of a funeral home. This is often more affordable since the venue doesn’t have to be the funeral home premises, and almost every aspect of the service can be personalized at a more affordable price. Renting a venue for the service is generally the most expensive component and can typically cost at least $100 per hour, but these costs can also be avoided if the friends or family of the person who died are willing to host the service at their private residence. 

Services of clergy members or celebrants, facility charges, catering, printed materials, and transportation all contribute to the total cost of a memorial service. Sometimes, the costs for catering are included if the memorial service is being hosted at a funeral home or if an independent service is being held at a venue such as a restaurant or event hall. If attendees bring their own food to the service or the family prepares the food beforehand, these costs can be minimized. Printed materials can often come with a discounted price if they are ordered in bulk. Since a clergy member or a celebrant isn’t required for a memorial service, the cost of their services is usually optional and can be replaced by designating speakers among the attendees. 

Although the costs of holding a memorial service can be substantial, it is generally cheaper than holding a funeral. Families are encouraged to consider all options available carefully, compare prices among funeral homes in their area, and identify which service components can be handled independently. In doing so, they can create a meaningful service that will effectively honor their loved one while adhering to a general budget. 

Sources 

“How much does cremation cost?” Lincoln Heritage Funeral Advantage. https://www.lhlic.com/consumer-resources/cremation-costs/ 

“Unique memorial service ideas to commemorate your loved ones”. Trust & Will. https://trustandwill.com/learn/memorial-service-ideas 

There are many opportunities for friends and family members to be involved in the memorial service of your loved one. One of the most common ways to get them involved is to ask them to share their memories and stories about the person who died. You can designate a specific time during the service for individuals to share their experiences. Those who participate can either be pre-selected speakers or anyone in attendance who would like to speak about their loved one. 

Another common way to involve friends and family members is through the activities that have been selected for the memorial service. For example, some individuals prefer to have readings of poems, sacred texts, or other significant passages shared throughout the service. You could invite specific friends or family members to read a passage before passing it along to the next participant. Music is frequently included throughout a memorial service, so if there are any friends or family members who are willing to play favorite songs that were significant to your loved one or perform a preferred song, this is an excellent way to get them involved. 

If you are interested in a creative activity for the memorial service, you might consider inviting everyone to help create a memorial display. You can encourage friends and family members to contribute photographs, written reflections, and other small keepsakes that are symbolic of their relationship with your loved one. These items can be gradually added to a table, board, or other designated area where they will be displayed throughout the memorial service. This activity often has a powerful visual impact on attendees as symbolic items continue to accumulate during the service.

Proactively involving friends and family in the memorial service helps provide a more personalized tribute to your loved one while also creating larger opportunities for collective grieving and healing. Encouraging active participation in activities throughout the service further facilitates a supportive environment in remembrance of the positive impact that your loved one had in the lives of each participant. Ultimately, this approach helps attendees feel a greater sense of connection through their shared experiences with your loved one. 

Sources

“How to include the participation of family and friends in the funeral or memorial service”. EverPlans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/how-to-include-the-participation-of-family-and-friends-in-the-funeral-or-memorial-service 

“How to plan a meaningful memorial service”. AARP. https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2020/planning-memorial-service.html 

The decision of who to invite to a memorial service largely depends on the wishes of the person who died and their surviving family members. Some individuals prefer to have an intimate gathering that only includes those who had close relationships with the person who died. Others prefer to have a larger gathering that includes a wider social circle. One option is not more appropriate than the other, and ultimately, the decision is a matter of preference. Potential individuals to invite to a memorial service can include: 

• Family 
• Friends
• Acquaintances
• Colleagues 
• Coworkers 

Some memorial services extend invitations to community members and neighbors, even if they have only had brief interactions with the person who died. Due to the popularity of social media, a common approach is to share a general invitation on a platform such as Facebook, Instagram, or a similar social media platform. This approach typically implies that anyone who is interested in attending the memorial service will be welcome to join. While it can simplify deciding who to invite to the service, it also significantly limits the amount of control the family has regarding potential attendees. 

If the person who died had relationships with individuals that you dislike, it is generally advisable not to allow personal feelings to influence the decision of whether to invite them. Instead, it is better to proceed with the invitation and allow them to have the opportunity to pay their respects. The primary goal of the memorial service is to honor and remember the person who died, so your most important goal should be extending invitations to those who truly value the experience of sharing memories and supporting the legacy of their loved one. 

Sources

“How to invite people to a funeral”. Farewill. https://farewill.com/articles/how-to-invite-people-to-a-funeral#keeping-track-of-whos-coming 

“How to invite people to a funeral.” Hollywood Forever. https://hollywoodforever.com/resources/how-to-invite-people-to-a-funeral

There is a wide variety of suitable venues for holding a memorial service, ranging from traditional to unique locations. Traditional options are often favored due to providing more space for guests and maintaining a familiar ambiance. Some of the most common traditional venues for memorial services include: 

• Graveyard or cemetery
• Place of faith 
• Garden
• Park 
• Event hall 
• Restaurant 
• Private residence 

The graveyard or cemetery is a traditional option that is often selected due to the convenience of the venue, particularly when the family wants to hold a memorial service directly after the funeral or burial. While it can be a more cost-effective venue for a memorial service, it is typically more formal and often adds a somber tone to the service. A place of faith, such as a church or temple, is similar in terms of convenience and ease of accessibility to a venue. Depending on the requirements of the venue, the memorial service may be held inside or outside. Memorial services held at places of faith tend to maintain a tone of solace. 

Locations such as a garden or park are affordable traditional venues, although it is important to be mindful that some of these public locations may require permits for conducting an event such as a memorial service. Parks and gardens provide a serene space for a memorial service and are typically large enough to accommodate large gatherings. Due to the direct exposure to nature, they can be an ideal venue for creating a peaceful and comforting ambiance. Parks and gardens are typically an informal traditional setting compared to a graveyard or place of faith. 

Options such as a restaurant or event hall for a memorial service can be as formal or informal as intended by the host. Restaurants are typically suitable for smaller gatherings, whereas event halls are intended for larger groups. These venues can be more upbeat or lively in comparison to other traditional options, so they may be a good choice for those who want to celebrate the life of the person who died. If a restaurant is selected, it’s important to request permission to hold the event there prior to making any further arrangements. 

A private residence, such as the home of a surviving family member or close friend, is another affordable option. Most households only have enough space to host a small gathering, which may be ideal for more intimate memorial services with relatives and close friends. Larger groups of people can attend a memorial service at a household by requesting smaller groups to arrive during different periods of the day.

When it comes to unique venues for a memorial service, the possibilities are often limitless. Most individuals try to select a location that is connected to a memory or an interest of their loved one. Some examples of unique venues for a memorial service include: 

• Movie theater
• Sports stadium
• Boat 
• Observatory 
• Zoo
• Brewery
• Museum 
• Bowling alley

Prior to making any arrangements at a venue, it is highly recommended to contact the venue directly to request a quote for renting the space. Depending on the preferred venue, it is also advisable to conduct some general research regarding potential costs and if there are any specific amenities or features that make one venue more attractive than another. Ultimately, whether seeking to hold a celebration of life or a memorial service, there is a suitable space for honoring everyone’s legacy.

Sources

“11 Memorable Funeral Venues”. Ever Loved. https://everloved.com/articles/funeral-planning/memorable-funeral-venues/ 

Most individuals hold a memorial service shortly after the death, such as within a few days or a week. However, it is not uncommon for memorial services to be held several weeks or months after the death of a loved one has occurred. Memorial services occur after the person who died has been cremated or buried, so scheduling the service itself is not dependent on the presence of the body and is typically a personal decision made by the family. For example, a memorial service may be held on the anniversary of a death rather than directly after the death.

There are many factors that can influence when a memorial service is held. If the goal is to hold the service in a location that was meaningful to the person who died, the availability of that location for an event and arrangements to travel there can influence when the memorial will be held. Sometimes the general timing of the memorial service may depend on specific religious or cultural traditions. Similarly, if the family is planning a large service, additional time may be required to allow everyone to make arrangements to attend. Finances may also be a key factor since they can influence the features and amenities that are available during the service. 

Deciding when to hold a memorial service is a deeply personal choice, shaped by what brings the most solace to the grieving family and loved ones involved. The timing is often guided by the desire to allow all who want to honor their loved one to attend, placing communication with family and friends at the forefront. Ultimately, the goal is to create a memorable service that truly captures the essence and significance of the loved one being commemorated and provides attendees with a space to share their memories and their grief. 

Sources

“Memorial Service Etiquette”. EverPlans. https://www.everplans.com/articles/memorial-service-etiquette 

Attitudes and perceptions around memorializing our dead are evolving rapidly. As a result, you can design almost any type of celebration or ritual you like to honor a person who has died. Your memorial service can be held indoors or outdoors, be formal or casual, include 200 people or just a few. You can create a formal program with a celebrant that includes poetry readings, live music, and a lovely meal. Or you can have a picnic on the beach followed by a huge bonfire, toasted marshmallows, and s’mores. There is no right or wrong way to memorialize a loved one, any more than there’s a right or wrong way to grieve. 

With that being said, there are some important questions you need to ask yourself as you plan a funeral service or celebration of life, whether for yourself or for someone you love. A truly personalized service should reflect you or your loved one’s values and beliefs as well as the things that were most meaningful to them. Actress Carrie Fisher, for example, struggled with addiction and bipolar disorder and was an advocate and role model for those touched by mental illness. After her death, her family designed an urn shaped like a giant Prozac pill to honor her life in a truly unique way.  

As you think about how to memorialize a loved one, ask yourself these questions, which will help you to focus on the qualities that made them unique. (You can ask the same questions about yourself if you are planning your own memorial service or DeParty, too)

• What qualities did my loved one value most? (e.g., honesty, intelligence, kindness, a sense of humor)
• What were their spiritual beliefs?
• What cultural traditions were important to them? 
• What accomplishments were they most proud of? 
• What adversity had they overcome?
• Who were the most important people in their lives? 
• Who were their role models? 
• What causes were most important to them?
• What characteristics most defined who they were? When you think about them, what immediately comes to mind?
• What did they love to do? 

As you reflect on the answers to these questions, you should develop some clarity around the kind of service you or the person you are celebrating would like. You can then sit down with your family and/or a celebrant and plan something truly personal and unique. For some specific ideas, read our Comprehensive Step-by-Step Planning Guide: Planning a Memorial Event, and grab a free copy of our ebook, “7 Ways to Create an Amazing Celebration of Life Everyone Will Love. 

Sources 

“What is Spirituality?” University of Minnesota. https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/what-spirituality 

Yes, cremation ashes can certainly be scattered at a memorial, and can be a personal and symbolic way to honor yourself or your loved one. The scattering can take place during the primary memorial service or in a separate ceremony and location.

Scattering ashes can have many benefits, including:

• Shared experience — it gives family and friends the opportunity to participate in the process together. A sense of community in grief can bring comfort and healing.
• Connection — Scattering ashes allows loved ones to feel connected to the person who died.
• Greater Flexibility — You can choose one or more locations for scattering. Ashes can also be divided, sharing the person’s memory with family members or friends to scatter in different places.

• Connecting with Nature — Some choose to scatter ashes as a ceremonial return to the earth. 
• No Physical Grave — For families who prefer not to have a traditional burial site, scattering ashes can serve as an option that still allows for a meaningful memorial.

Locations are typically tranquil spots of significance, such as: 

• Oceanside
• Lakeside
• Riverside

• Private property 
• Parks, state lands, and outdoor venues (with the proper permits)
• Scattering gardens (often a dedicated area inside a cemetery)

Including a program or order of service for a memorial service is recommended since it provides a general outline of the proceedings and may also serve as a keepsake for attendees. Most guests are emotional when attending a memorial service, so providing a program helps them to know what to expect and can make it easier for them to participate, especially if there are readings or activities planned. If there are designated speakers for the service, providing a program also makes it easier to maintain awareness of speaking order and whether a specific time has been designated for open speaking among all attendees. 

Although programs and orders of service are often considered solely for the purpose of organization and defined structure, they are also frequently utilized as an additional tribute to the person who died. Programs may include photographs, memorable quotes, poetry, anecdotes, and other meaningful contributions that reflect the legacy of the person who died. Highly personalized and detailed programs tend to become cherished keepsakes long after the memorial service has ended. In fact, it is not uncommon for loved ones to keep these programs for numerous years. 

Ultimately, a program or order of service is a beneficial addition to any memorial service. While it is not required, it provides a clear structure for attendees to follow along throughout the event and can also serve as a tribute. Although it may seem like a minor component, a program can contribute to the overall meaning of the experience and may help further foster a sense of remembrance. 

Sources

“The funeral program: How to get started and what to include”. FuneralWise. https://www.funeralwise.com/funeral-products/funeral-programs/ 

“9+ sample memorial service outlines”. Ever Loved. https://everloved.com/articles/funeral-planning/9-sample-memorial-service-outlines/ 

Yes, technological advances now make it possible to conduct a virtual memorial service that can include participants worldwide. Virtual memorial services are most commonly implemented through video conferencing platforms such as Zoom, Google Meet, or Microsoft Teams. These technologies enable people to connect to the service in real-time with audio and video feeds. 

Virtual memorial services offer many advantages as an alternative to traditional memorial services held in person. The flexibility of a virtual memorial service allows attendees to join from anywhere with minimal planning, as long as they have access to the internet, which can allow more people to attend. Sometimes, a virtual memorial service may feature more speakers than the typical memorial service conducted in person, although this can vary based on the availability of the attendees. 

A virtual memorial service may be implemented with assistance from a funeral home or conducted independently by someone designated as a host. Many funeral homes are willing to conduct hybrid memorial services, which means that the event is open to in-person attendees at the physical location as well as virtual attendees using video conferencing. Working with a funeral home to facilitate the virtual service is generally recommended for those concerned about managing the logistics of using a virtual platform, but it is not required. 

Individuals interested in conducting a virtual memorial service independently can register with a video conferencing provider such as Zoom. When registering, it is crucial to sign up for the subscription or plan that removes any restrictions affecting the number of attendees or the total duration of the event. As a general best practice, those who are planning to conduct a virtual memorial service should allocate some time to familiarize themselves with the platform, testing their Wi-Fi or mobile data signal strength for streaming the video, and conducting one to two practice sessions to ensure everything is functioning correctly prior to the event. 

Additional technology can be implemented to enhance the experience further. Some video conferencing platforms include real-time translation services to ensure all participants understand what is being communicated. Video and photo montages or other digital tributes can be displayed to attendees using screen-sharing technology on the video conferencing platform. Finally, links to online memorial pages can also be shared via chat, allowing participants to share their memories of the person who died if they are uncomfortable speaking during the service. 

Sources 

“How to hold a virtual memorial service”. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/14/well/family/virtual-funeral-advice.html 

“Memorials in the digital age”. Mass Mutual. https://blog.massmutual.com/planning/memorials-digital-age 

Whether you can bring your pet to a memorial service depends on the specific venue and the preferences of the family or host of the event. Some memorial services, especially those in private homes or more informal settings, may be open to having pets as they can provide comfort and emotional support. If the memorial service is in a more formal venue, like a church, funeral home, or public space, it’s important to check with the organizer ahead of time to ensure pets are allowed.

It is always important to consider cultural and religious customs when planning a memorial service. Every culture and religion has unique memorial and funeral practices that reflect their respective traditions and values. A memorial service that incorporates these practices ensures that the person who died is remembered and honored in a manner that aligns with their beliefs. Taking careful consideration of the values and practices that were meaningful to the person who died is generally the first step in making an informed decision regarding which customs should be considered for the memorial service. 

Depending on the culture or religion, some customs and practices depend on factors such as the cause of death, the age of the person who died, or the plans for their final disposition. Collaborating with religious or cultural leaders in the community can be helpful in determining which customs and practices need to be included in the memorial service. For those who are less familiar with certain practices, these leaders can explain the cultural or religious significance associated with their usage in memorial or funeral services. Since cultural and religious leaders in the community understand the importance of sensitivity in these settings, they will also be able to ensure that the memorial service remains respectful and authentic to the traditions it seeks to represent. 

While planning the service, it is crucial to be mindful of what is included in the space where the memorial will be held. Many memorial services are designed to be inclusive spaces that proactively accommodate diverse cultural and religious practices, allowing attendees to honor the person who died in a manner that aligns with their preferences while still maintaining respect for the customs of their loved ones. If there are specific items or symbols that may be offensive to some attendees, these should be omitted from the memorial space. This may also include emphasizing the cultural and religious customs the person who died identified with, while also providing space for attendees to participate according to their comfort level. For example, attendees who do not have religious preferences may be encouraged to have a moment of silence rather than participate in reciting a prayer or sacred text. 

Ultimately, the decision to incorporate religious and cultural customs into an upcoming memorial service demonstrates recognition of the value of diversity and upholding practices that were significant to the person who died. Including cultural and religious practices helps to further foster a sense of community, belonging, and mutual respect. By honoring individual beliefs and values in this manner, families and friends can share more personal tributes that further reflect their continual love and respect for the legacy of their loved one. 

Sources 

“A guide to religious funeral traditions.”  Empathy. https://www.empathy.com/funeral/a-guide-to-religious-funeral-traditions 

“Practices following the death of a loved one reported by adults from 14 countries or cultural/ethnic group”. National Library of Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7729787/ 

There are as many distinct ways to honor your loved one as there are personalities out there. Whether you prefer a religious or traditional ceremony or something totally contemporary and customized, prefer the body be present for viewing or not, want to scatter ashes, have hundreds of guests or keep things intimate, spend a lot or a little, you can do this in a way that meaningfully brings people together to remember and honor your loved one. 

The many types of services to honor the death of a loved one include:

• Traditional burial or funeral service
• Religious funeral
• Military funeral service
• Memorial service
• Seaside memorial service
• Burial at sea service
• Graveside or committal service
• Green burial graveside service
• Online or virtual memorial service
• Annual memorial day or event
• Video tribute 
• Virtual memory wall
• Celebration of life
• Living memorial or DeParty (prior to death)
• Visitation
• Wake
• Witnessing cremation
• Scattering ceremony
• Tree planting ceremony
• Living tribute ceremony (for a memorial bench, plaque, etc.) 
• Candlelight vigil 
• Fireworks display
• Balloon or lantern release
• Music, arts, or community event in memory
• Commemorative walk, hike, or other activity your loved one enjoyed
• Family or group trip to a favorite destination of your loved one
• Memorial group tattoo
• Memorial blood drive
• Memorial charitable donations
• Memorial picnic, potluck, or barbecue

Whether you choose one of the above options, a combination, or design your own event, considering your loved one’s favorite activities, hobbies, or passions can help you create a memorial service that is both beautiful and healing.

Living celebrations, or memorials before death, are events or rituals to honor the life of yourself or a loved one who is terminally ill while still alive. These gatherings give you the opportunity to experience love, appreciation, and the memories of family and friends while you can enjoy them, offering a chance to reflect on your legacy and the impact you’ve had on others. Living celebrations can range from small, intimate affairs, such as a gathering of loved ones to share stories and wishes, to bigger celebrations, like hosting a “celebration of life” event at home or abroad. These kinds of events can provide a sense of closure, connection, and community before death, creating meaningful, even joyful, memories for those involved.

There are a few different terms for living celebrations. Some include: 

• Celebration of life
• Departy (a SevenPonds term)
• Living wake  
• Living funeral
• Funeral while living
• Pre-funeral
• Seizenso (originated in Japan)
• Farewell party or ceremony
• Choreographed death (living celebrations can be part of this concept, where someone chooses their death-related plans and rituals)

Sources

“Planning ahead: Living funerals.” Marie Curie. https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/information/planning-ahead/living-funerals

“Why not attend your own funeral?” Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2025/04/14/living-celebrations-attend-own-funeral/

“At His Own Wake, Celebrating Life and the Gift of Death.” New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/25/world/canada/euthanasia-bill-john-shields-death.html